Life is an adventure

Part of me thinks that P evoked us. Is that weird? She talked about praying to meet someone. In the past, I knew for myself that I had been involved with a few people romantically but really they were not who I was looking for. Did I even know what I was looking for? It did take me some time realizing that I wasn't going to settle for less than I deserved/wanted. I made a list of what I was seeking, and those things that were deal breakers, what I wouldn't put up with. If you don't figure out what you are looking for, how will you know when you want it? I put my wishes out into the universe and waited. I recall reading them to P when we first were getting to know each other. I was lonely but not willing to be romantically connected with someone that wasn't long term material. I didn't want to involve myself with someone that wasn't a good match with regards to goals, compatiblity, interest and attraction because invariabley that leads to pain(often both given and received) and I was "saving myself" for the one I was going to commit to. I wanted to make sure that whomever I choose was worthy of my little vunerable heart. I didn't want to "taint" my heart with any more anger, hurt, resentfulness and baggage than I already had gathered through my various relationships. I wanted to be very mindful of honoring my future love through protection of my heart. This seems so medieval and chivalric in some ways to me (my critical and judgemental side) but it's also very sweet to me.

It does scare me though, I'm so accustom to yearning, I don't know that I would know what to do if I had everything I wanted. Yearning for so much like a full time perm job, more time with my son, someone to share my life with, more adventure in my life, more community, more beauty, more joy and more life. What happens when I get that?