zestfive | Entries tagged with loss

It's 7 years today and so hard to believe. As it's now past the time of the accident, I no longer have a single cell in my body that was part of who I was back then...then when I still had my Dad in my life. It's almost gut wrenching to think about that...no more physical connection to him, now it's only stuff and memories...

I do understand that I've also got him as a legacy in me and that will never go away. We found more home movies recently that have been transferred to DVD. It's so fun to watch, I think about how few I took of my own son. I wish I had more, more pictures and more memories but that's not really how it is for me. I'm probably being a little hard on myself about that.

I also went to the cabin this weekend with friends. It's so strange because whenever I'm there, I wonder why I'm not there more often. It's so beautiful and peaceful to be there. I know this year has been because I've been so busy trying to clear out my past life and open it up to whatever is next.

I think about the driver, I hope she is ok. I don't know how a person can live with that so I can't even imagine what she does with it.

I lit a candle for you at the restaurant, which is not a restaurant or a donut place anymore. It's empty and for rent. It's just so darn sad to me. Sat for a bit in the bit of sprinkles and then moved to the car, sang that song I always do...

Tonight, I'm just so tired.

I was kinda just expecting not to go to Pride this year. P is never much for it and it's usually too hot for her. In the years gone by P stays home and I've gone with R. This year that ain't gonna happen. Although when she asked about this weekend, I reminded her that it was pride, she did talk about going but not for hours and hours and that she didn't need to go to the parade. I'm glad she had that attitude. I thought we'd got on Saturday but it seems that Sunday is going to be cooler and no rain. We'll see how it goes...

Today we went to see "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" which was longer than I expected and because my son wanted to go....better than I anticipated. If you have three hours and are up for an epic type movie, go see it. I thought it was very good but it was also kinda sad for me, perhaps because I've been feeling sad lately.

P's still pretty sad and I'm letting her do whatever she needs to do...sleep, be angry or whatever. Also while we were here we went to the Indianapolis Museum of Art which was amazing because it was FREE. Parking was free, admission was free, coat check is free (but we didn't use it) and what I loved about it was the permanent collection not only included the information about the artist and the piece but they also talked about the style of the artist and what made them notable. The worst part was when we were walking in, we passed a group of people and I didn't see the rest of the people but the profile of the man looked just like my Dad. He was wearing a hat, full beard and glasses. It was something about the line of his beard and his neck. P noticed that he also had a camera and tripod(which would be so my Dad). He was definitely a younger version of my Dad but certainly just like I knew him. I could hardly speak as I tried to explain my reaction to P.

I also emailed with a girl who knew P's son. I've been monitoring his email in case anyone that knew him sent him emails that didn't know what happened. She was a girl who met him through craigslist last summer and they emailed and talked. She even came up to visit him from Iowa. She spoke of having similar struggles with depression, anxiety and sexual orientation/gender and thoughts of suicide. She says that he touched her life and saved her from her attempt.

We'll be driving probably about 12 hours. I hope the weather will be good.

I miss my Dad most of all when I need parenting advice. I don't know that I trust my mother's opinion. My sisters don't have children and therefore I don't know if they would help. The boy has it so easy and refuses to help around the house. When I try to push him to do it, he ends up having a tantrum and stalking off. This has to change.

Teh boy started school today. I can't believe he's a junior in high school. When I got home from work today we ran to Target to pick up some school supplies and etc. He's okay with Target tennis shoes so I won't complain. I did end up buying him this brown leather zippered planner (which he will take out the planner part and insert his school planner). I think he just wants to have a zippered planner with little tablets for taking notes with). I enjoyed hearing about his classes.

This weekend was good, we camped out at our friend J's house along with 3 other couples and a handful of kids. P wasn't feeling so good after pushing herself too much the last couple of weeks at work so she slept in the last couple of mornings. We had good times with friends we haven't hung out with for a while. She did her watercolor painting and I assembled some peace signs that I'm going to send to family and etc to honor my Dad.

Monday we went to the state fair. I didn't think that we'd have lots of energy especially with as hot as it was. We volunteered with the Sesquincentenial booth for a few hours and then had some food (cheese curds, slice of pizza, ice cream, lemonade, corn dog) attended the Toby Keith concert. We had great seats, 5th row center. I just hated sitting next to the lady who sat too close to me (I tend to have big private space). We got some really fun pics. I'm not much of a Toby Keith fan but P chose to surprise me with a date night. I like it when she plans things for us.

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On a sad note, her friend J (who lives in Iowa) lost her sister on Sunday. She had late stage brain cancer and lost the war. She was younger than P which makes me worry a little bit. J is also chronically sick with wegeners disease. P wanted to go down there but J didn't want her to do. I feel bad for P because she obviously cares deeply for J but she keeps everyone at arms length. I met J once when she came up here, she's a riot but I do get a sense of sadness about her.

This breaks my heart.

Learn more about it here:
http://www.500kin365.org/main.htm

Throw in a dollar and download some great music. Pass the link.

Friday night seemed like the anniversary because it was a Friday night that the accident occurred. Sunday was the "official" day that the accident happened, when we believed he was killed instantly. Today is the day that is on his death certificate. Tomorrow is the day that his heart stopped beating after his organs were harvested from his body.

It's been a tough weekend. We spent it at his half finished cabin in the peace of the prairie. We read some of his favorite poetry there and hung fresh prayer flags in the woods. I also drove his truck home last night. It had been sitting in the very small single car garage of his partner's house. I don't think anyone could quite gather themselves to do anything about it yet. We needed to jump it, put air in the tires, put fuel stabilizer in it and keep it running long enough for the battery to re-charge. I ended up shutting it off at the gas station but needed to jump it again after filling the gas tank.

I left it running as I parked by the cafe waiting for the employees to leave where he was run over. My sister and I talked and cried about him as we waited. We walked in their little garden area next to it, it was darker there, less conspicuous...I didn't really want to be seen in my grief. I had lit a candle, like last year and left it again. I don't want to take the candle, I always blow it out before I leave. Is it terrible to leave it there for someone else to stumble across the remains of my commemoration?

It was so weird to drive his truck. I went to work late today after getting the oil changed, I'm going to care for this truck like it's him, as if I could reach out to his soul through my care of his truck. I drove it to work today because it's suppose to be hot and it has working AC unlike his old honda that I have which gets better gas mileage. Now I want only drive the truck as a way of keeping him with me but I also want it to last forever. Decisions to make, what to do...

What a week, between work, dad's estate stuff (stoopid attorneys), life and etc. I'm just exhausted. I'm starting to have to write everything down and keep track of it in my palm (thanks to P! It really helps) I have some social things that I want to do in the month of October - including my 20 year high school reunion!

Yesterday I had to drive 70 miles one way to go sign some paperwork so that I can be offically appointed executor in the eyes of the court and back again to work. Can you say PAIN in the BUTT? I did finally make an appointment with my Dad's financial planner to go over my share of his retirement, it's on 10/9.

When I drove home, I stopped at my sisters to pick up the paperwork for the application for new service to install electricity to my Dad's cabin. We talked and I enjoyed it, had to get home to the boy. We talked and I enjoyed it and then I called my Dad's partner, I hadn't talked to her in a while. She's not doing well, I'm trying to not be intrusive but wanting to make sure she doesn't get lost inside. Her nephew is probably going to have to drop out of school for a year at least (hopefully no permanent damaged has been done). It's just so horrible.

I'm finally getting ready to go to bed, read a little bit finished "The Day My Dad Died: Women Share their Stories of Love, Loss and Grief" and I was just about to go to sleep when B called. She wasn't in a good spot. I really enjoy B despite the fact she adamantly denies she's an alcoholic. Her and J were fighting and J finally put her foot down. Everyone feels bad for J because we all know that we couldn't handle B as much as we love her. As I do love her, I want her to be safe so I asked her what she needed to be safe. She said she needed to go to her car and than to J's. She wasn't in any shape to drive in my opinion but I'm sure she's driven in worse shape. I told her I'd come pick her up and take her when she needed to go (even if she was locked out, she could crash at my house). We eventually got to J's house and I think she changed the locks, B knocked on the window and J woke up and they had a "discussion" because I promised to stay to make sure B was okay with staying there, I had to wait. No one likes to argue in front of anyone, we've all been there likely so I felt bad that I was listening there. Eventually B said that I could go, I wanted to make sure J knew that I loved her too. Hugged J (who is normally pretty good at keeping those bootstraps up, held me tight and cried hard on my shoulders). I let them know that I loved them both and hoped they could work through what they needed to. I think I was home by 1:15am, before I had to be up by 6am but I couldn't settle down until almost 2am.

Perhaps, that's why I'm not very productive today.

I did give P the heads up and let her know that I won't be very good packing for our camping weekend when I get home from work. She was great about that.

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Life is an adventure

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Entries tagged with loss

7 years ago today

Pride

Tomorrow we leave

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Life/this weekend/1st day of school

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