(no subject)

[zestfive]

Friday night seemed like the anniversary because it was a Friday night that the accident occurred. Sunday was the "official" day that the accident happened, when we believed he was killed instantly. Today is the day that is on his death certificate. Tomorrow is the day that his heart stopped beating after his organs were harvested from his body.

It's been a tough weekend. We spent it at his half finished cabin in the peace of the prairie. We read some of his favorite poetry there and hung fresh prayer flags in the woods.  I also drove his truck home last night. It had been sitting in the very small single car garage of his partner's house. I don't think anyone could quite gather themselves to do anything about it yet. We needed to jump it, put air in the tires, put fuel stabilizer in it and keep it running long enough for the battery to re-charge. I ended up shutting it off at the gas station but needed to jump it again after filling the gas tank. 

I left it running as I parked by the cafe waiting for the employees to leave where he was run over. My sister and I talked and cried about him as we waited. We walked in their little garden area next to it, it was darker there, less conspicuous...I didn't really want to be seen in my grief. I had lit a candle, like last year and left it again. I don't want to take the candle, I always blow it out before I leave. Is it terrible to leave it there for someone else to stumble across the remains of my commemoration?

It was so weird to drive his truck. I went to work late today after getting the oil changed, I'm going to care for this truck like it's him, as if I could reach out to his soul through my care of his truck. I drove it to work today because it's suppose to be hot and it has working AC unlike his old honda that I have which gets better gas mileage. Now I want only drive the truck as a way of keeping him with me but I also want it to last forever. Decisions to make, what to do...

Comments

[emerging.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I remember reading about this from you last year...I cannot imagine how hard it must be.

My thoughts are with you.

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

Thanks, it's tough and was tougher a few weeks ago. I *think* I'm doing better now, except when I get caught off guard.

I'm crossing my fingers for you and your Dad.

[fierce313.livejournal.com]

<<>>

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

thanks, with school starting, I bet you're busy. Hope you're doing well.

[cluelessinchi.livejournal.com]

::gentle hugs:: then *rocks you gently and smooths down your hair* (cooing and saying sweet nothings)

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

You're a doll! thanks for your support, I think you know exactly what I need. GRIN

[cluelessinchi.livejournal.com]

::hugs you right:: I miss you!

[libgirl.livejournal.com]

I think we all grieve in our own ways and if you want to leave the candle that is fine.


~thinking of you~

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

thanks, I did. I didn't hear anything from them about that so I hope it was okay.

[morningloryblue.livejournal.com]

I cannot imagine what you are going through - I am sure it is heart-wrenching and just as painful as the day the tragedy happened. I am hoping maybe your writing on livejournal is a small source of expression and healing for you. All my best to you for solace.

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

thank you, I think part of me not responding to everyone's wonderful comments was so that I could percolate a little. I feel better now although, I still can be brought to tears at the smallest and strangest things.

[fifteenthirty.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Been thinking about you.

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I hope everything is going well with you at your Dad's house.

[whipsmartgirl.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry for your loss. Before I 'knew' you online, I went to Clicquot regularly and would sit outside without a care. When I read of the accident while at CC one day, I was shocked and saddened. How could such a thing happen in a quiet little neighborhood? Sometimes life is unbearably, unfairly short I thought. Then I discovered you are his daughter. I have not been able to go to CC since without thinking of you. I lost my father at age 60 (due to cancer-related complications) and though it does not compare to what you went through, I understand what it means to lose a father too young and too soon. May peace be with you at this time.

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

thank you for your comments. It's so strange how we can remember the weirdest things for so long. I remember 20 years ago or so hearing about a young girl who committed suicide by blowing herself up in her car at Lake Maria state park, I remember being so sad for her(didn't she know that most things in life are so temporary-including life, nothing to kill yourself over) but yet also almost so angry at her too. Did she realize that I would never forget her? Me, someone who had never met her, didn't know her and now whenever I drive 94 to St. Cloud, I see the sign for the park on the interstate and think of her.

I hope that you continue to enjoy the CC. I think it's a great place with great owners. I'd love to have a place like that in my neighborhood.

[wwwolfww.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

thank you, I just remember how horrible it was when you lost your mom, little did I know how quick I would lose my Dad. I could feel your pain in your posts, now I share mine.

[mplsindygirl.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you are allowing yourself room to grieve in a healthy way. Many hugs. Call me anytime.

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

you rock! It was good to see you and R. Thanks for the birthday surprise!