(no subject)

[zestfive]

Last night AF had a band concert at school. He's quit practicing in front of me. I don't actually know if he does it or not anymore. I don't seem to see him move his trumpet from where he puts it when he comes home from school. He did very well as far as I could tell...it was fun to see the other kids that he knew while he attending cub scouts.

As I had just that morning had tea with MJ a friend of mine (who is also the mother of a young man about 4 years older than AF) we talked about how difficult AF's current school is...she believed the teachers, admin and etc believe it's a really difficult age and all the kids misbehave but get to High School and they expect then to act better...magically, they do!

So since the whole school thing was on my mind, I talked to AF about his experiences...sometimes I feel like he's so similiar to me with his life experiences but I worry that I'm projecting too much. He talked about the different clique's and how he feels like he's mostly identified as a nerd. I try to reassure him that despite how much this sucks, it's only temporary and speak about how life is different once you're older. I try to talk about how most of the "poplular" kids end up peaking when they are in high school or etc...everything else is down hill for them. He spoke of feeling really different that there's no one else like him...I can understand that..he's being raised by a single gay woman and has primarily been in the adult world versus the kid world(sorry, AF). We live in a largely republican area where intact families are more predominant. Even if I wasn't gay...our family is in the minority in this area.

He also brought up when he decided to not join the Boy Scouts, some kid said something like "I heard you mom is gay" to which he reports replying "yeah, so what? that doesn't matter". This kinda floors me...who gave him so much courage? This also raises the question, do I use my excuse of wanting to "protect" or provide privacy for AF as a huge closet? I don't know the answer for sure. All I can say is "wow", my kid is amazing!

Comments

[fifteenthirty.livejournal.com]

Sounds from his respose that he's strong enough to deal with it. Good for him!!

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

Yeah, leaves me in awe...

Thanks for posting this.

[grltalk.livejournal.com]

This also raises the question, do I use my excuse of wanting to "protect" or provide privacy for AF as a huge closet?

I have wondered this about myself, too. But, it really is only the crap my kids will get from other people that concerns me. I wish I could change the opinions of the masses, but I can't and I don't want my kids to suffer because of the part of me that is in conflict with all of those opinions. If my kids had an activist mentality/personality, it might be different, but they don't--at all.

Many of my kids' best friends probably wouldn't want anything to do with them/me/our house if they knew I was gay. Should I just put it all out there and say, "Tough luck. They were rotten people anyway. Go find some more tolerant friends."?

It could be argued (and has *many* times) that I am encouraging a homophobic attitude in my children by not requiring them to deal with any aspect or consequence of my sexual orientation. I struggle with this daily.

Congratulations! Your kid *is* amazing. Mine--not so much.

Re: Thanks for posting this.

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

Do your kids know? I'm trying to remember when I told my son...around the time of my divorce. I don't know what his father said (because despite our agreement to tell our son about the divorce together...he told him without me..grrr!)

AF also has grown up knowing that it's not something that is horrible. We've gone to a welcoming church for years and I've also talked to him quite a bit. I also admit that he's been in the adult world far more than in the kid world so I certainly think that impacts his view too. As a only kid, he's mature in a lot of ways that I think other kids aren't...I hope he does get to enjoy being a kid too.

The optimist in me says, given the situation, you're kids might be just as amazing too, they are just luckly enough to be immersed in their kid world...cause isn't it all about them ? GRIN

[grltalk.livejournal.com]

My older one (he'll be 20 in March) has known since he was around 12 or 13. He was digusted by it then, and feels no differently now. He loves me to death though. I guess I get a "pass" from him because I'm his mom, because we never talk about it, and because it never interferes with his life. I think his father probably makes comments about it to him, but I don't hear about them.

My younger son (15 in June) doesn't know about me. After the way my older one took it, I just never could come around to telling the younger one. He's made his personal opinion on the subject very clear--"That's sick, Mom."

I didn't raise them to have this prejudice (or any, for that matter). It's been very disappointing.

[grltalk.livejournal.com]

P.S. I'm typing too fast and am not using the spell checker. Can you tell?!

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

Oh, ouch, that's really painful. My guess would be that it's based on the age of finding out. My son was like 7 or so and I just explained it by saying "Some girls like boys and some girls like girls...some boys like girls and some boys like boys"

Have your boys met any of the women you've dated? Does that become an issue with your relationships?

Re:

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

LOL, ah, nope, didn't notice...amazing how we can read over something and not notice cause we fill in the blanks..GRIN

[grltalk.livejournal.com]

Have your boys met any of the women you've dated?

This may have been why the big revelation didn't go so well with my older son. When he found out, I was just about to end a relationship with someone he had known since he was born. Right after that ended, I dated a bit, but didn't bring anybody home. Then, I started dating the woman I'm with now. My kids met her and she spent a little time with all of us way back when. My older son *wanted* to like her, but couldn't get past the fact that we were more than friends. He started to act out in ways that were so NOT like him. That's when I decided to completely segregate my personal and parenting lives.

I know that not coming out to my younger son is really a lie of omission. He's the kind of kid that makes it pretty easy. He never asks any questions.

Yeah!

[fierce313.livejournal.com]

Your kid sounds cool. Mine are 9 and 5 and I'm afraid I'm dropping the ball with teaching them all they need to know about the world. They do seem to pick up the good things we don't know we are teaching them though, don't they? My challenge comes with race awareness/racism consciousness. I'm half black, both of my sons are 1/4 black, and my youngest looks completely white. I'm having the hardest time figuring out how to teach him about being 'black' without hitting him over the head with it. Perhaps now is not the time for subtly though. I find it easier to talk about people loving each other than I do about race... But I do remember one day when my oldest was younger, he was at the park and a "brown boy" told him he was white, and he said "no, I'm brown *and* white", and expressed a sadness that the boy was so confused about what it meant to be brown... That amazed me.

Keep up the good work. Keep reminding him that H.S. is really insignificant when you get to be an adult. You really can't stress that one enough!!!

[crumshine.livejournal.com]

That's awesome!

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

That's kinda of hard when you're dating and your kids get attatched. Although, I don't think that's happen for me. The last woman I dated for 3 years was very nice to my son but not necessarily very connected to him... How long have you been seeing your current sweetie? I wonder if you son would continue to act out if you introduced her in at a different rate or perhaps you just need to try again? Remember are kids grow up too...

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I think so too!

Re: Yeah!

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

I've got a friend who has 2 boys, one is half(?) black and I don't know that she does anything special regarding that part of him. But, she does live in an area that is much more racially diverse so he's exposed to other kids like himself versus if she lived where I live where there is VERY few people of color. My son and I had a conversation today when he was talking about his experiences at our church's youth retreat (2 nights). He was taking about how it was weird to be around "liberal" kids versus the "conservative" kids. He observed that they talked about different things and acted differently specifically they did a lot of hugging (hug train). Some how from that he talked about how he thought the Klu Klux Klan weren't all that bad. Oh, I think we were talking about how people think differently and how it's not "right" or "wrong" but just different. I had to explain to him what I know about the KKK and the idea of "racial purity" which he thought was okay for them to have the value even if he didn't hold the same one. I then said that I don't mind that idea as a single person's choice but when you get a group together, they often abuse and kill those people that don't agree with their beliefs and this was what I couldn't tolerate. Pretty heavy stuff I think.

He also was able to recognize the 2nd night that he was too tired to participate in some of the activities (they had things scheduled except for midnight to 8am) and he likes to sleep. This in my opinion shows that he does a good job recognizing what he needs and asking for it. Pretty amazing.

[grltalk.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid we've *all* gotten very used to things the way they are and are too complacent to change. My kids like having their mother completely to themselves, I like the whole thing being a virutal non-issue, and my gf really never has had the inclination to fit/work herself into my family.