zestfive: (eye)
It's 7 years today and so hard to believe. As it's now past the time of the accident, I no longer have a single cell in my body that was part of who I was back then...then when I still had my Dad in my life. It's almost gut wrenching to think about that...no more physical connection to him, now it's only stuff and memories...

I do understand that I've also got him as a legacy in me and that will never go away. We found more home movies recently that have been transferred to DVD. It's so fun to watch, I think about how few I took of my own son. I wish I had more, more pictures and more memories but that's not really how it is for me. I'm probably being a little hard on myself about that.

I also went to the cabin this weekend with friends. It's so strange because whenever I'm there, I wonder why I'm not there more often. It's so beautiful and peaceful to be there. I know this year has been because I've been so busy trying to clear out my past life and open it up to whatever is next.

I think about the driver, I hope she is ok. I don't know how a person can live with that so I can't even imagine what she does with it.

I lit a candle for you at the restaurant, which is not a restaurant or a donut place anymore. It's empty and for rent. It's just so darn sad to me. Sat for a bit in the bit of sprinkles and then moved to the car, sang that song I always do...

Tonight, I'm just so tired. 


Jun. 26th, 2009 01:10 pm
zestfive: (woman)
I was kinda just expecting not to go to Pride this year. P is never much for it and it's usually too hot for her. In the years gone by P stays home and I've gone with R. This year that ain't gonna happen. Although when she asked about this weekend, I reminded her that it was pride, she did talk about going but not for hours and hours and that she didn't need to go to the parade. I'm glad she had that attitude. I thought we'd got on Saturday but it seems that Sunday is going to be cooler and no rain. We'll see how it goes...
zestfive: (Default)
This is the song that I associate with R, I heard it when I was in the drugstore getting new meds for P on the day after it happened. She needed something to knock her out because she couldn't deal with it. It's so weird that he's been gone for 2 months now.

zestfive: (Default)
Friday night seemed like the anniversary because it was a Friday night that the accident occurred. Sunday was the "official" day that the accident happened, when we believed he was killed instantly. Today is the day that is on his death certificate. Tomorrow is the day that his heart stopped beating after his organs were harvested from his body.

It's been a tough weekend. We spent it at his half finished cabin in the peace of the prairie. We read some of his favorite poetry there and hung fresh prayer flags in the woods.  I also drove his truck home last night. It had been sitting in the very small single car garage of his partner's house. I don't think anyone could quite gather themselves to do anything about it yet. We needed to jump it, put air in the tires, put fuel stabilizer in it and keep it running long enough for the battery to re-charge. I ended up shutting it off at the gas station but needed to jump it again after filling the gas tank. 

I left it running as I parked by the cafe waiting for the employees to leave where he was run over. My sister and I talked and cried about him as we waited. We walked in their little garden area next to it, it was darker there, less conspicuous...I didn't really want to be seen in my grief. I had lit a candle, like last year and left it again. I don't want to take the candle, I always blow it out before I leave. Is it terrible to leave it there for someone else to stumble across the remains of my commemoration?

It was so weird to drive his truck. I went to work late today after getting the oil changed, I'm going to care for this truck like it's him, as if I could reach out to his soul through my care of his truck. I drove it to work today because it's suppose to be hot and it has working AC unlike his old honda that I have which gets better gas mileage. Now I want only drive the truck as a way of keeping him with me but I also want it to last forever. Decisions to make, what to do...

My weekend

Oct. 8th, 2007 12:04 pm
zestfive: (Default)
P came home early on Friday morning. It made it very hard to go to work. I think I'm finally coming back to my regular life slowly but surely. P says I've been gone, I say I've been grieving. Obviously, it's all new to us on how we grieve together. I know I definately do go inward when I'm not taking care of other people. I don't even know what I need really....  I'm a talking she's not so much. I know that she's been trying to be there for me, helping me out in ways. I need to watch for them to recognize it since she doesn't say anything. Sometimes in my grief, I'm oblivious or don't recognize her efforts, I think it's important to recognize people's efforts. Last weekend, she stocked my freezer. 

This weekend she wasn't feeling well on Friday when I came home from work. I let her sleep, she needed it. The boy and I cooked dinner, hoping she'd wake up but okay if she didn't. The boy talks about how he doesn't know how to cook despite having taken years of home ec. I finally said that we could cook together, I figure it would be good for us to have some time together. We made baked pork chops with stuffing, mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. I think it gave him some confidence in cooking. Hopefully we'll keep it up. The boy went to sleep and P woke up just as I was going to go to bed early. We ended up running to the store that must not be named walmart. It's what's open 24 hours a day in my area. She needed her coke. She ended up spending quite a bit of money, including an automatic catbox and two collars for the cats (Jinx already took his off and it's missing). She bought the cat box to try and make my life easier. She stayed up and I went to bed after the store. She wants to clean up the basement so that we can do crafts with our friends. I think it would be fun but cleaning the basement is just not one of my priorities. 

When I woke up on Saturday, after a slow start we first picked up a new lawnmower (the old one is finally dying) went to Bob and Scooters,  I mean, Dave and Busters.  She wanted to do this in support of finding things to do with the boy that he would enjoy. We ended up staying there a couple of hours and had a good time. The boy said it was better than Space Aliens  Food was pretty good. We ran into friends on the way out. At home, P wasn't feeling well and laid down. We were going to go to games night with friends but with P not feeling well, I was okay staying home. 

Sunday the plan was to go to church (early service because going to the late one runs the risk for P to run into T which makes her uncomfortable). I love going to church with her. We stopped to look at a camper (16 ft scamp) for sale before I dropped her off and I went to coffee. While driving to church we talked about our friend B who has a drinking problem. I think it's time for us to sit her down and tell her how much we're concerned about her.

After I got home, P was ready for a nap, I snuggled her down. very nice! The boy and I made fake frappicinos, dinner and then laundry. P left for work but we had a very good weekend. Good conversation with the boy, he's interested in going to same high school as [personal profile] anterastilis, I'll have to ask her about it.
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zestfive: (Default)

 I had a really nice weekend despite the rain. When I got home from work on Friday, P was suppose to pack so we could go when I got home. She had woken up but she fell back to sleep. After we finally got packed, I thought she should go to our brand new minute clinic. She'd be having a sore throat for the last 4 days. Sure enough, she had strep. The woman running the clinic was great and she even did me free! P was convinced that the woman knew about us, frankly I didn't care it was great.

We went to bed pretty early on Friday night after putting up the tent in the dark, hanging out at the fire. I woke up pretty early just about 9am wheras the sick girl didn't wake up until after 1pm. Although, I do admit I ended up taking a 4 hour nap Saturday afternoon. P did crafts with the kids Saturday night, they did an amazing job of sitting and working on the claydough. We went to bed. It rained and I had to run to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I drove the car.

Sunday I went to church, I'm glad I did. It was solidarity Sunday, GLBT honoring....my ex T came out to church as ftm. Her coworker talked about her experience with her. They did REALLY well. They also had a woman who is a seminary student say a few things, she also played her guitar and sang some songs. Unfortunately or fortunately, she also sang " Be Thou My Vision" which was the song my cousins sang at my Dad's service. I had to step out bawling and my Dad's partner also came to church. I was really glad she came to know that she's not hiding away. She did say it was good for her to come.

I got back to the campground and then P and I took another brief nap in the heavy rain. We took down the tent and packed everything up. Everything was so wet.

I miss P already. Man, I got to go to sleep.


zestfive: (Default)
 What a week, between work, dad's estate stuff (stoopid attorneys), life and etc. I'm just exhausted.  I'm starting to have to write everything down and keep track of it in my palm (thanks to P! It really helps) I have some social things that I want to do in the month of October - including my 20 year high school reunion! 

Yesterday I had to drive 70 miles one way to go sign some paperwork so that I can be offically appointed executor in the eyes of the court and back again to work. Can you say PAIN in the BUTT? I did finally make an appointment with my Dad's financial planner to go over my share of his retirement, it's on 10/9. 

When I drove home, I stopped at my sisters to pick up the paperwork for the application for new service to install electricity to my Dad's cabin. We talked and I enjoyed it, had to get home to the boy. We talked and I enjoyed it and then I called my Dad's partner, I hadn't talked to her in a while. She's not doing well, I'm trying to not be intrusive but wanting to make sure she doesn't get lost inside. Her nephew is probably going to have to drop out of school for a year at least (hopefully no permanent damaged has been done). It's just so horrible.

I'm finally getting ready to go to bed, read a little bit finished "The Day My Dad Died: Women Share their Stories of Love, Loss and Grief" and I was just about to go to sleep when B called. She wasn't in a good spot. I really enjoy B despite the fact she adamantly denies she's an alcoholic. Her and J were fighting and J finally put her foot down. Everyone feels bad for J because we all know that we couldn't handle B as much as we love her. As I do love her, I want her to be safe so I asked her what she needed to be safe. She said she needed to go to her car and than to J's. She wasn't in any shape to drive in my opinion but I'm sure she's driven in worse shape. I told her I'd come pick her up and take her when she needed to go (even if she was locked out, she could crash at my house). We eventually got to J's house and I think she changed the locks, B knocked on the window and J woke up and they had a "discussion" because I promised to stay to make sure B was okay with staying there, I had to wait. No one likes to argue in front of anyone, we've all been there likely so I felt bad that I was listening there. Eventually B said that I could go, I wanted to make sure J knew that I loved her too. Hugged J (who is normally pretty good at keeping those bootstraps up, held me tight and cried hard on my shoulders). I let them know that I loved them both and hoped they could work through what they needed to. I think I was home by 1:15am, before I had to be up by 6am but I couldn't settle down until almost 2am. 

Perhaps, that's why I'm not very productive today.

I did give P the heads up and let her know that I won't be very good packing for our camping weekend when I get home from work. She was great about that.
zestfive: (Default)
 I need to remember to be sensitive to how other people grieve and it may look different than I'm accustomed to seeing. Other people may also have grief other than I would expect.

Good reminder...
zestfive: (Default)
P and I had planned to go to the film festival

And now I'm back at work.


zestfive: (Default)

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