Lots of thoughts....behind the cuts.
May. 27th, 2005 07:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zestfiveI'm really enjoying my time at my second job
In addition to the fact that I'm learning lots of new stuff, my supervisor is really great and one of the student workers whom I work with is really interesting. She just finished up her degree in visual communications(I think) she wants to be a photojournalist. We've had some really interesting conversations about life and etc. We're both in a similar spot, just finished a degree and poised to do almost anything but not quite sure what that is. She has an opportunity to apply for a three month internship in Vermont, she's not sure if she wants to be that far away for that long(family is in WI and her Dad passed away when she was a Sophomore) I told her she should, it's not that long of a time and it's easy to do something like that at her age. I'm always afraid that when I talk with people, that I talk about things that are too personal, too deep and that people think I overthink stuff...that's just how I am...and I like myself that way. It's just really neat to talk with her.
I've enjoyed listening to books on tape again. I'm listening to one about how life begins at 40. I've always been a bit premature in my interests. It's an interesting perspective but basically saying that we've worked so hard mastering our careers and etc during our "younger" years that after 40 we start to care less about unimportant things (looking attractive for a new mate, being "successful", keeping up with the Jones, worrying about what people think and etc) and in our "new" life(after 40) is the time that we really start to follow our true path. I think it's really interesting but I don't know that I've ever felt like I've mastered anything...I've always been striving.
Had an interesting conversation late into last night.
K was talking about how she's a little ...gosh, I'm not sure I can figure out the right word...miffed, hurt, disappointed...that a woman she was seeing for a few weeks(3) decided that it would be best if they were just friends. I get the impression that it's not really about the woman, K's pretty accustom to being able to charm a woman, she felt that C was a really nice and they had things in common. K told me that she wasn't really "that into C" but liked her which is why I don't get why she was upset, unless it was all ego. I think K was interested because she was "stable" but couldn't sustain her interest because she didn't drive her crazy like her other gf's. We talked about how sometimes we may think someone is a really good person and have things in common but don't have that chemistry. I think that chemistry is when your dysfunctions mesh with someone else's dysfunctions. K mentioned that she is usually the "helper" in a relationship and has never really been in a "equal" relationship but that she really wants someone to give to her. I can totally relate to this I'd really like someone to give to me, but I also know that I'm really horrible at accepting from people. I'm too accustom to be the giver or just taking care of myself.
So my goal is to change this...I want to have a relationship with someone who's my equal, someone who can give to me when I need it and one where I can give to her when she needs it...(this also means that I have to take when I need it and she will take when she needs it), one where we can be our whole person(not just in a role of being "the strong one" or the "dependent one". I do fear that this will be a rare find. I'm not sure that I'll find it, I also (when I'm in a good place) feel like I'll wait for it or not have it, othertimes I'm really okay with one night stands, cheap, raw sex for simply the physicality of it all. At this point, I haven't fallen into that, the last time that occured with a woman I rarely knew was almost a year ago...it felt weird, pretty much didn't really want anything to go further with her...it was uncomfortable. I think she was probably still interested, I wasn't.
In addition to the late night, I woke up at 5am for whatever reason. I'm tired. I've also going to have breakfast tomorrow with the family, early. I'm going to organize for the weekend and go to bed early. G'night.
In addition to the fact that I'm learning lots of new stuff, my supervisor is really great and one of the student workers whom I work with is really interesting. She just finished up her degree in visual communications(I think) she wants to be a photojournalist. We've had some really interesting conversations about life and etc. We're both in a similar spot, just finished a degree and poised to do almost anything but not quite sure what that is. She has an opportunity to apply for a three month internship in Vermont, she's not sure if she wants to be that far away for that long(family is in WI and her Dad passed away when she was a Sophomore) I told her she should, it's not that long of a time and it's easy to do something like that at her age. I'm always afraid that when I talk with people, that I talk about things that are too personal, too deep and that people think I overthink stuff...that's just how I am...and I like myself that way. It's just really neat to talk with her.
I've enjoyed listening to books on tape again. I'm listening to one about how life begins at 40. I've always been a bit premature in my interests. It's an interesting perspective but basically saying that we've worked so hard mastering our careers and etc during our "younger" years that after 40 we start to care less about unimportant things (looking attractive for a new mate, being "successful", keeping up with the Jones, worrying about what people think and etc) and in our "new" life(after 40) is the time that we really start to follow our true path. I think it's really interesting but I don't know that I've ever felt like I've mastered anything...I've always been striving.
Had an interesting conversation late into last night.
K was talking about how she's a little ...gosh, I'm not sure I can figure out the right word...miffed, hurt, disappointed...that a woman she was seeing for a few weeks(3) decided that it would be best if they were just friends. I get the impression that it's not really about the woman, K's pretty accustom to being able to charm a woman, she felt that C was a really nice and they had things in common. K told me that she wasn't really "that into C" but liked her which is why I don't get why she was upset, unless it was all ego. I think K was interested because she was "stable" but couldn't sustain her interest because she didn't drive her crazy like her other gf's. We talked about how sometimes we may think someone is a really good person and have things in common but don't have that chemistry. I think that chemistry is when your dysfunctions mesh with someone else's dysfunctions. K mentioned that she is usually the "helper" in a relationship and has never really been in a "equal" relationship but that she really wants someone to give to her. I can totally relate to this I'd really like someone to give to me, but I also know that I'm really horrible at accepting from people. I'm too accustom to be the giver or just taking care of myself.
So my goal is to change this...I want to have a relationship with someone who's my equal, someone who can give to me when I need it and one where I can give to her when she needs it...(this also means that I have to take when I need it and she will take when she needs it), one where we can be our whole person(not just in a role of being "the strong one" or the "dependent one". I do fear that this will be a rare find. I'm not sure that I'll find it, I also (when I'm in a good place) feel like I'll wait for it or not have it, othertimes I'm really okay with one night stands, cheap, raw sex for simply the physicality of it all. At this point, I haven't fallen into that, the last time that occured with a woman I rarely knew was almost a year ago...it felt weird, pretty much didn't really want anything to go further with her...it was uncomfortable. I think she was probably still interested, I wasn't.
In addition to the late night, I woke up at 5am for whatever reason. I'm tired. I've also going to have breakfast tomorrow with the family, early. I'm going to organize for the weekend and go to bed early. G'night.