WARNING -- VENT AHEAD

[zestfive]

So I'm just steaming !


My stupid ex husband is such a jerk! I'm so glad that I divorced him. The situation is, about 4 years ago he asked to borrow some money because he needed it to file bankruptcy. At this same time, he was also hit by an uninsured motorist, I lent him the money because he no longer had a vehicle and if he couldn't get to work, I wouldn't get child support. He eventually did get bankruptcy done and I told him that I wanted $5 per month on the money if he didn't pay me. He originally agreed that he'd pay me $200 pretty quickly and then like $50 per month after that. Well, in the entire time he's paid me a total of aprox $80. I've kept track of it on my computer. He is now saying that he's considering me paid in full. His story is that last year's childcare payments were an overpayment and therefore he's taking that into account, plus the $80's he's paid and plus the "work" he did for me.

First off, the over payment of the childcare, he states that because A was 12, the county shouldn't have take the childcare from him(it's only $53 a month and the county will collect childcare fees up until a child turns 13) and therefore he's considering that paid. I received $636 from him for childcare last year. A was also IN childcare at a cost of $500 for the year. I was okay that he didn't get the child care stopped previously because I figured it all evened out when I compare the childcare costs of 2003 childcare which was $2621 and all I got from him was $636.

He did give me $70 and the remaining $10 was money from an overpayment from a medical bill that I gave him credit for.

The "work" he reports that he did for me was probably like 3 years ago, and what I remember is that he was laid off and came to my house, A, him and I raked for a couple of hours and then we went to a movie and had dinner. This I recall was a "family" time and money or repayment towards his debt was never discussed.

What especially drives me crazy is that he's taking the stance that he's decided this and that's the end of the story, no negotiating no compromising. If it was me, I'd consider doing something to resolve the situation to mutual satisfaction...maybe something that didn't cost anything...like more "work" or whatever.

I feel like taking him to small claims court(here in MN it's called conciliation court) and I *do* have the paper where he agreed to pay me the interest. I think I have a very good claim, his issues such as the childcare overpayment are not relevant to the situation, he certainly could counterclaim for the childcare but at most, he would be a deduction of a couple of hundred.

He's also complaining about the interest that he agreed to pay me when I first lent him the money...well, my response is that he didn't have to agree to it. But no one else would lend him the money...

I'm not going to be so willing to help him out again...and I helped him out as recently as less than a year ago when he got suspended from work for calling in sick too much.

Now, that I'm letting some of this out, I really do have to think of if I really want to do this. Part of me says YES, the a-hole...the other part of me says I should just let it go, overall, I've been very lucky, he's continued to pay child support(thank you state of MN) and work consistently...I've heard stories from other women who have it far worse. But I do get tired of him doing the minimum or less when in comes to anything that has impacted me. I think this triggers some issues in me when I've accepted so much less than I should have when I was with him, I now deserve way more and still I'm angry that I've set up this pattern of interacting with him. I also have a sense of HUGE personal responsiblity and I'm going to MAKE him be responsible!!! (yeah, I know that is a complete and total fantasy)

I'm not especially materialistic but to me, money is security and freedom of choices, right now until I have a fulltime perm job, I'm a little weird about money. I feel like I should let it go for the sake of better interactions for A with his parents(me and his Dad) but why should I be the one to accommodate ALL the time? I'm so tired of being the accommodating one!!!

***Edit

After a little time to think about it, I also am angry at how this experience affect me. I don't want to become angry, bitter and not trusting. I want to be able to maintain my positive feelings about people in general, want to be able to help...not become pissed off. Of course intellectually, I know that what this means, is not to help out my ex anymore...but I like to be accommodating to people in general. I guess I'm just wishing someone would accommodate me...but then I really don't want them to do it...because I wouldn't trust them..what's their agenda?

Good lord, I need to stop thinking about this and finish getting ready.



So, AMAZING and wonderful people of LJ, what do you think I should do?

Now, I've got to go get ready for my meeting for a temp job...I think it's almost a done deal, but let's see how it goes.

Comments

[grltalk.livejournal.com]

I've done things ($$$) for my kids' father post-divorce, too, out of pity or the general goodness of my heart. I know that I'll never get paid back. I plan on that. I consider it charity. In my case, having any expectations beyond that breeds bitterness.

As you know, my divorce included no payments of any kind from him. I still have no regrets about that.

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

You are a better woman than I am!!! Can I get divorced from you too? GRIN

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

That's blunt and very clear, thanks!

Loser Ex's

[lesbionick.livejournal.com]

I think you should take him to court. It's obvious that he doesn't care that you loaned him the nest egg that will pay your grocery bill when your own leaner times appear. Maybe just the threat of it would produce results? It's pretty cheap to file too. And costs little to counterfile, so maybe a third party that's not emotionally involved would be better deciding who owes who what.

Re: Loser Ex's

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

Yeah, did I ever tell you I think he's completely narcissistic? I don't think he'd care about that. I've also done so well so little that I can usually adapt to almost any financial situation for brief periods of time.

Hmm..do I want to go through the effort of taking him to court...that's my issue.

[howlsthunder.livejournal.com]

I'm only 24 and have very little experience in this arena as far as exes go. But your ex sounds exactly like my dad, to a T as far as money goes. It was so bad after the divorce, my mom would have to have US, my sister and I, talk to him to worm money out of him that he owed us -- we'd talk to him and the only way to get anything out of it was to over-exaggerate the situation so he'd panic and pay us whatever it was he owed. *rolls eyes* And it didn't stop there, either... it continued on while I went to college where he reinged on a promise to pay my rent (I'm the only relative to of graduated college since our grandparents generation) -- which he didn't, which caused all kinds of problems -- and then when he WOULD put in some money, he'd make a huge deal out of it and even after the fact he talks as if he thinks I'm going to pay him BACK. For money he he promised but never gave ME?
He's not an evil guy; he just has a totally skewed sense of money and how people are owed and payed back.

My mom often lets people get away with things like that but I find if you don't stand up for yourself now, the cycle keeps going and you'll just feel worse about it. There is a lot to be said for letting go, I agree. But there is also nothing wrong with standing up for yourself and ask for what you are owed - I think it can be done in an assertive manner rather than agressive. You are totally within your right to ask for what is owed you and once you say so, the ball is in HIS court. It's up to him as to how he needs to act.

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

thanks for sharing, was that hard when you were growing up to try and get money out of your Dad all the time? My goal has been to never put A as a go between for anything(money, messages and etc)between us, it's not his fault that his parents split up and he's got no control over what happens to him and should hopefully avoid most of the fallout.

I totally don't want to get in that horrible cycle of being walked on, so it's a matter of firmly standing up for myself. I have asked and he has refused, so it's a matter of me determining if I want to take it as far as court.

[wwwolfww.livejournal.com]

Thats a tough one. Matters of money between people are the worst.
I guess the only thing I can say if to only let it go if you *truly* think you can let it go. If this is something that will burn resentment inside of you than I say go for getting your money back. Just know that it will get ugly.

People suck sometimes.

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's the problem, can I truly let it go? I think if I convince myself long enough I can...but can I and do I want to?