I do not need

[zestfive]

I've been thinking about "need" lately. I'm a very independent person, I rarely need anything from individuals. Right now I need a job but that's not needing something from an individual. I'm mostly very self reliant. Sometimes I'm really okay with being this way...other times I worry that I'm teaching A to be that way...it's not always a good thing. It can be very tiring.

I believe that this trait of mine has come from a number of experiences...and continues to be reinforced. My ex-husband was not very reliable at all, every 9 months or so he would do something completely insane to me...such as blow our entire food budget for the month at the casino or drive home so drunk that he was puking out the window while driving !!! He continues to do stupid things, but at least I *mostly* don't have to deal with his fall out. Although, I'm still waiting to get back the money I lent him when he needed to file bankrupsy within 5 years after our divorce(we didn't have any debt when we split).

My mother whom used to be "normal" under went a "transformation" about 10 years ago and is now a "born again" x-tian...and I don't use this term lightly, she believed god spoke to her and she ended up getting fired from her job because of it. She and I have since had 2 occassions where we quit speaking to each other, I ended up going to therapy to work through this...now I just tolerate her, don't trust her and she's not the mom I thought I knew.

The last relationship that I was in, I didn't want to need anything from her. She would have been happy to comply and likely give me anything I wanted. When I realized that I could be tempted to take advantage of that...and that meant it was time for me to end our romantic relationship. I wonder what it would be like to need something from someone...perhaps that's why I don't, then I'd really want it. Would I be able to deal with it if I wanted it and didn't get it?

I think a lot of people like to be needed and I've got an aversion to needing someone. Again, I believe that the interconnectedness of the world is important and I want to teach that to my son. I think it's far stronger to ask for help than to try and muscle it yourself(which is what I usually do). It's funny that I tend to take everything on because I'm "strong" but yet I know that the hardest thing would be to ask for help...admitting my weakness. There's such a difference between my intellectual knowing of something and then my actual behavior.

Comments

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

Oh gosh, sounds like things were worse for you. :-( I, at least, got the house ! :-)

From what you've posted about, you're really giving to your kids right now...how do you think it will be for you when they are grown up?

[grltalk.livejournal.com]

I can't imagine them not needing me. Silly, huh? There's been no let-up in their neediness yet, at 20 and almost-15. It's different than when they were younger, of course, but no less consuming. My hope is that, post-needy-children, I'll be more self-indulgent, more relaxed, etc. I don't expect I'll be any needier myself, but who knows.

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

I think you should practice a little bit of self indulgence NOW here and there. That's just my thought. You deserve it !

I've sorta been able to recognize that I need to nurture myself...I've learned that. I need to make sure I'm in good shape before I can give to other people.

It's learning to let other people give to me....but I'm NOT going to NEED it you know !