School Starts today
Sep. 2nd, 2003 09:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zestfiveToday I sent off AF to go to middle school, had a difficult time sleeping. I had such a horrible time in school, more so in elementary by middle school and high school I had toughened my skin and learned how to be the predator instead of the prey. I understand that I'm really projecting my stuff and hopefully he's not picking up on it too much. He was excited and ready to go. I'm glad for him. Change is constant but sometimes it's hard.
My mother showed up to take pictures and wish A well. After A was gone on the bus and we're back in the house, I make some comment about how nice the new carpet looks. She says something that leads into a conversation about "needing help". She then said something about how I, in the recent past had said something I don't get much help from her. I was a bit taken back because I don't really *want* any help from her(because there are strings attached and it's conditional) but here she's saying it like even if did ask or need her help, I should be ashamed of myself. I confronted her and said that I didn't think I asked for much help at all and the ways she said it sounds like I should be ashamed of myself for asking for help. I think she was a little taken back. She denied saying/feeling that way and how people need to ask for help when they need it(blah, blah blah...saying things that intellectually I know). I told her that I think she might want to reconsider how she phrases things because they can come off different. That's where we left it. I don't think she has any clue about how she comes off.
I've come to realize that most of the time my mother wants to help the needy. She only feels good about helping if people really *need* it, that way, something *is* in it for her. She helps out TF WAY more than I because he needs it. How many people do you know who forget their own daughter's birthday(until 9 months later) but throws a surprise birthday for their FORMER son in law ? I think theirs a bias towards males and nonfamily members.
Despite my pain around this, I've really distanced myself from her and no longer expect anything from her. I've come to have a better relationship with my Dad but I also am quite aware about how bad I am about accepting things from people, I think this has to do with both my experiences with TF and with her. I've come to have a hard time relying on people because I don't trust people to follow through with what is important to me, easier to do it myself.
When I think about having these beliefs I would think that I would consider myself bitter, but yet I don't. I feel that I'm extremely careful when trusting people and only allow others to help me out in simple ways(ones that don't matter too much if it doesn't happen).
I've come to realize that I've got a male TF and a female TK in my life so I hope that people don't get too confused. Perhaps two initials will be better.
My mother showed up to take pictures and wish A well. After A was gone on the bus and we're back in the house, I make some comment about how nice the new carpet looks. She says something that leads into a conversation about "needing help". She then said something about how I, in the recent past had said something I don't get much help from her. I was a bit taken back because I don't really *want* any help from her(because there are strings attached and it's conditional) but here she's saying it like even if did ask or need her help, I should be ashamed of myself. I confronted her and said that I didn't think I asked for much help at all and the ways she said it sounds like I should be ashamed of myself for asking for help. I think she was a little taken back. She denied saying/feeling that way and how people need to ask for help when they need it(blah, blah blah...saying things that intellectually I know). I told her that I think she might want to reconsider how she phrases things because they can come off different. That's where we left it. I don't think she has any clue about how she comes off.
I've come to realize that most of the time my mother wants to help the needy. She only feels good about helping if people really *need* it, that way, something *is* in it for her. She helps out TF WAY more than I because he needs it. How many people do you know who forget their own daughter's birthday(until 9 months later) but throws a surprise birthday for their FORMER son in law ? I think theirs a bias towards males and nonfamily members.
Despite my pain around this, I've really distanced myself from her and no longer expect anything from her. I've come to have a better relationship with my Dad but I also am quite aware about how bad I am about accepting things from people, I think this has to do with both my experiences with TF and with her. I've come to have a hard time relying on people because I don't trust people to follow through with what is important to me, easier to do it myself.
When I think about having these beliefs I would think that I would consider myself bitter, but yet I don't. I feel that I'm extremely careful when trusting people and only allow others to help me out in simple ways(ones that don't matter too much if it doesn't happen).
I've come to realize that I've got a male TF and a female TK in my life so I hope that people don't get too confused. Perhaps two initials will be better.
