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zestfiveSometime I shouldn't spend too much time alone. Don't get me wrong, I really do prefer my own company instead of continually running from myself and other internal drama. This weekend I was tagged, I was "it".
Do you really want to hear my wine? grab some cheese !
A is growing up and is doing all the age appropriate things, this was our weekend, I wanted to spend time with him but he was holed up in his cave playing video games and being rather glum. As I'm still suffering from guilt from 2 weeks ago, when I was late in getting home to him, me being a bad mom....it can sure esclate. I have battles in my head, on one hand is feeling that I'm a bad mom...ignoring him and etc and on the other...he's doing completely age appropriate things and probably needs some down time after a busy week at school. Then I start thinking that I'm so tired of working nights where I don't get to be home to fix dinner and sit at the dinner table with him. Was I too selfish when I wanted to finish school...or even go to school? Should I just take some mindless office job where I can be home for him...and then I think that I wouldn't be able to stand that. And then...cause it's really all about me ! GRIN I start thinking about how tired of doing everything I am...I hate that I have to be the mom, the dad, the caregiver, the counselor, the recreational director, the teacher, the embarassment, the fun, the guard, and sibling to him...I want a break. I want to not have to be so bloody responsible for everything. I want some damn help...but then I don't want the help, not from my ex husband who could never be counted on, not from my bible thumping mother and sister and my dad's really the one that needs help now. And then I realize that has much as the responsiblity can be heavy, I appreciate that by being responsible, I have structure and purpose in my life. For the most part I'm an optimist, but I think if I didn't feel that I had a purpose and direction, I could easily slide deep into depression and sometimes it looks attractive. I don't want to have to worry about replacing my damn water softner, water heater or taking care of the damn house, finding a job that might have health insurance. And the other voice in my head tells me that it's so good that A gets his house to grow up in(at least all that he's known) and he's really what I'm doing things for...but sometimes I'm just tired. Even being tired, I do realize how lucky I am...did I mention this was a schizophrenic party?
Luckily this mood doesn't happen too much, I'll just get so fed up with myself that I'll get over it.
Do you really want to hear my wine? grab some cheese !
A is growing up and is doing all the age appropriate things, this was our weekend, I wanted to spend time with him but he was holed up in his cave playing video games and being rather glum. As I'm still suffering from guilt from 2 weeks ago, when I was late in getting home to him, me being a bad mom....it can sure esclate. I have battles in my head, on one hand is feeling that I'm a bad mom...ignoring him and etc and on the other...he's doing completely age appropriate things and probably needs some down time after a busy week at school. Then I start thinking that I'm so tired of working nights where I don't get to be home to fix dinner and sit at the dinner table with him. Was I too selfish when I wanted to finish school...or even go to school? Should I just take some mindless office job where I can be home for him...and then I think that I wouldn't be able to stand that. And then...cause it's really all about me ! GRIN I start thinking about how tired of doing everything I am...I hate that I have to be the mom, the dad, the caregiver, the counselor, the recreational director, the teacher, the embarassment, the fun, the guard, and sibling to him...I want a break. I want to not have to be so bloody responsible for everything. I want some damn help...but then I don't want the help, not from my ex husband who could never be counted on, not from my bible thumping mother and sister and my dad's really the one that needs help now. And then I realize that has much as the responsiblity can be heavy, I appreciate that by being responsible, I have structure and purpose in my life. For the most part I'm an optimist, but I think if I didn't feel that I had a purpose and direction, I could easily slide deep into depression and sometimes it looks attractive. I don't want to have to worry about replacing my damn water softner, water heater or taking care of the damn house, finding a job that might have health insurance. And the other voice in my head tells me that it's so good that A gets his house to grow up in(at least all that he's known) and he's really what I'm doing things for...but sometimes I'm just tired. Even being tired, I do realize how lucky I am...did I mention this was a schizophrenic party?
Luckily this mood doesn't happen too much, I'll just get so fed up with myself that I'll get over it.
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no subject
Date: 2005-03-06 06:56 pm (UTC)Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling...it is really hard to shoulder all of that responsibility. It's understandable to feel this way sometimes.
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Date: 2005-03-06 10:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-06 10:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-06 10:45 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2005-03-07 01:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-07 05:35 pm (UTC)