(no subject)

So the boy turned 13 yesterday, I was gone all day so I really didn't get to do much with him. Damn jobs! Happy Birthday to him as we left the house and once I got home. I did call him when he got home from school, had a good conversation. I had hid a birthday treat in the frig (strawberry shortcake from Lunds) and sent him a happy birthday card via email. Monday we measured him against the wall as we do every quarter...at this point, he still lets me do that. I hope I will always be able to do that until he's gone.

My Mother and sister decided that they were going to come over to celebrate his birthday. I find this out through him. This annoys me a huge amount because they didn't bother to let me know until I sent my sister an email telling her that I heard this from A, and would they please let me know if they are going to come over to my house when I'm not there. They stopped at my work which I think was only because I was going to give my sister some money for her new house. I think it's rude that they totally disregard the fact that it's my house and I might want to know if they are coming over....not just after the fact. But then, what should I expect?

I do not need

I've been thinking about "need" lately. I'm a very independent person, I rarely need anything from individuals. Right now I need a job but that's not needing something from an individual. I'm mostly very self reliant. Sometimes I'm really okay with being this way...other times I worry that I'm teaching A to be that way...it's not always a good thing. It can be very tiring.

I believe that this trait of mine has come from a number of experiences...and continues to be reinforced. My ex-husband was not very reliable at all, every 9 months or so he would do something completely insane to me...such as blow our entire food budget for the month at the casino or drive home so drunk that he was puking out the window while driving !!! He continues to do stupid things, but at least I *mostly* don't have to deal with his fall out. Although, I'm still waiting to get back the money I lent him when he needed to file bankrupsy within 5 years after our divorce(we didn't have any debt when we split).

My mother whom used to be "normal" under went a "transformation" about 10 years ago and is now a "born again" x-tian...and I don't use this term lightly, she believed god spoke to her and she ended up getting fired from her job because of it. She and I have since had 2 occassions where we quit speaking to each other, I ended up going to therapy to work through this...now I just tolerate her, don't trust her and she's not the mom I thought I knew.

The last relationship that I was in, I didn't want to need anything from her. She would have been happy to comply and likely give me anything I wanted. When I realized that I could be tempted to take advantage of that...and that meant it was time for me to end our romantic relationship. I wonder what it would be like to need something from someone...perhaps that's why I don't, then I'd really want it. Would I be able to deal with it if I wanted it and didn't get it?

I think a lot of people like to be needed and I've got an aversion to needing someone. Again, I believe that the interconnectedness of the world is important and I want to teach that to my son. I think it's far stronger to ask for help than to try and muscle it yourself(which is what I usually do). It's funny that I tend to take everything on because I'm "strong" but yet I know that the hardest thing would be to ask for help...admitting my weakness. There's such a difference between my intellectual knowing of something and then my actual behavior.