I'm not too old for bathroom horror stories

[zestfive]

Yeah, I'm sure you all don't want to read this, but I thought it was hilarious!

From Pizzaman blog at the City Pages found here:

http://blogs.citypages.com/pizzaman/

-My Ass
Last night I had explosive diarrhea.
You know, the runs, the trots, the scoots, the shits, the Blatz Splatz, the Hershey squirts, the Johnny Rivers, the liquid bummer, the chocolate syrup explosion, Reagans revenge, the chunky sputters.
It was terrible. (Do I really need to say that it was terrible? Nobody has "wonderful" diarrhea, do they?) I'd been experiencing gastrointestinal distress all week due to car/money worries and last night it came on full force. The first half of the night was a game of "beat the clock". I'd be returning from a delivery and my ass would announce that I had several minutes (or sometimes seconds) before liquid shit would just shoot out of my ass like a bomb going off.
"Hey, Pizzaman" my ass would say "Guess what? I'll give you a hint: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1..."
Then I would make hay to get to the nearest bathroom.
Luckily, I batted a thousand in the "get your ass on the bowl" category.
I must have washed my hands a thousand times last night.
I kept thinking, when encountering a bad Pizzalover, that I should just walk into their foyer (after waiting forever on their porch) and crap my pants.

"What's that? A dollar tip?"
Thhpppplat!

I'd leave them there with a story they could tell their Grandchildren, a shit stain on their entryway rug and no appetite.
Fortunately, my sphincter held tight and I saved myself from getting fired.
And how would that look on my resume?
"Fired for shitting self".