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Feb. 2nd, 2004 08:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zestfiveVery sad weekend. Saturday night I ended up talking to TK about how I could no longer continue our relationship with her when I felt more like friends. It was very hard to do...She has been nothing but loving and understanding to me. She has loved me with all of her heart and I feel horrible that I could not love her back the same way. I also hope that she will be able to find someone who will be able to love her that way as she deserves it. I wanted her to be mad/angry at me but she was just sad(so far). What does that say about me, that I would prefer that she blow up and be angry at me ?
As we talked she said she'd be in church and when I drove up(late) I thought I saw her truck but once inside I didn't see her. I thought it might have been someone else's(as we were having another choir come and join ours from another church). I went through a whole bunch of emotions during that experience... First when I saw her truck I was happy and felt that she is so strong(which was a bit of a suprise) then I couldn't see her in the church(felt let down, betrayed...angry) After the service was over, I saw she was way up front on the left(we usually sit on the right) she was crying. I wasn't sure if I should go up to her or not and when I did, she started crying some more...I moved away from her sight behind her so she could try and collect herself. We talked a little and hugged and she continued to cry which affected me and I cried some too. I'm hoping that no one will see us(yeah...right). One of the women did come up and ask us "...can I do anything or just feel sad ?" which I thought was so sweet but it ended up making us both(tk and I) cry more.
After we were finally able to part(and she left). I went downstairs to get AF and GR from RE(religious education...sunday school) as we were going to go to the St. Paul Winter Carnival. GR's mom(who's a psychologist) came up and asked if I was okay...which again made me cry more...but I told her I was fine as long as she doesn't ask.
So that was it, we continue to talk. The feelings that I have for her grow stronger in the streams of admiration, respect and love which manifests itself as great care for TK. I want to tell her all of this but I don't think it would matter to her right now....and I wouldn't want her to think that I could change my mind. We had some really good times together and I hope to continue to have good times but as friends.
The weather was horrible yesterday and I had to drive 30 mph most of the day. We got to St. Paul and had lunch at Cosetta's (see http://twincities.citysearch.com/review/5518839/?order_by=positive)
Afterwords we(AF, GR and I) went to the St. Paul Winter Carnival and walked around. AF and GR went ice skating, I really enjoyed that they did this because AF often is so enthralled with video games/tv/computers that I don't think he has any "healthy" recreation. I was also happy that intially that GR didn't want to do it but eventually did change his mind. Although I felt sort of off the entire time thinking about TK.
GR is an interesting kid. He's very musically talented(violin, guitar and mandolin...as far as I know) He is growing his hair out, wears only birkenstocks and wears his socks inside out(he feels they are more comfortable that way). He's a very unique individual and seems to be okay with that(which I think is great !). When we were sitting in Caribou Coffee, one of the things he said was something to the effect of "Isn't it weird that girls can act like boys but boys aren't able to act like girls". I was blown away by this but the only thing I could say was that I agreed that it was weird or not fair. He seemed very mature for his age.
As we talked she said she'd be in church and when I drove up(late) I thought I saw her truck but once inside I didn't see her. I thought it might have been someone else's(as we were having another choir come and join ours from another church). I went through a whole bunch of emotions during that experience... First when I saw her truck I was happy and felt that she is so strong(which was a bit of a suprise) then I couldn't see her in the church(felt let down, betrayed...angry) After the service was over, I saw she was way up front on the left(we usually sit on the right) she was crying. I wasn't sure if I should go up to her or not and when I did, she started crying some more...I moved away from her sight behind her so she could try and collect herself. We talked a little and hugged and she continued to cry which affected me and I cried some too. I'm hoping that no one will see us(yeah...right). One of the women did come up and ask us "...can I do anything or just feel sad ?" which I thought was so sweet but it ended up making us both(tk and I) cry more.
After we were finally able to part(and she left). I went downstairs to get AF and GR from RE(religious education...sunday school) as we were going to go to the St. Paul Winter Carnival. GR's mom(who's a psychologist) came up and asked if I was okay...which again made me cry more...but I told her I was fine as long as she doesn't ask.
So that was it, we continue to talk. The feelings that I have for her grow stronger in the streams of admiration, respect and love which manifests itself as great care for TK. I want to tell her all of this but I don't think it would matter to her right now....and I wouldn't want her to think that I could change my mind. We had some really good times together and I hope to continue to have good times but as friends.
The weather was horrible yesterday and I had to drive 30 mph most of the day. We got to St. Paul and had lunch at Cosetta's (see http://twincities.citysearch.com/review/5518839/?order_by=positive)
Afterwords we(AF, GR and I) went to the St. Paul Winter Carnival and walked around. AF and GR went ice skating, I really enjoyed that they did this because AF often is so enthralled with video games/tv/computers that I don't think he has any "healthy" recreation. I was also happy that intially that GR didn't want to do it but eventually did change his mind. Although I felt sort of off the entire time thinking about TK.
GR is an interesting kid. He's very musically talented(violin, guitar and mandolin...as far as I know) He is growing his hair out, wears only birkenstocks and wears his socks inside out(he feels they are more comfortable that way). He's a very unique individual and seems to be okay with that(which I think is great !). When we were sitting in Caribou Coffee, one of the things he said was something to the effect of "Isn't it weird that girls can act like boys but boys aren't able to act like girls". I was blown away by this but the only thing I could say was that I agreed that it was weird or not fair. He seemed very mature for his age.
