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Nov. 14th, 2005 06:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zestfiveAaarrgh, I hate it when I go to post something and lose it before it gets posted.
Let's see if I can remember what I wrote...
Things don't always work out as planned. we made it to coffee (or at least the last 15 minutes or so). Afterwards we picked up somethings at Target, including stuff for dinner. Spaghetti, fresh green beans and garlic cheese bread. Yum.
Although, when P offered me her extra computer speakers, I automatically reacted in a way she didn't expect. I hurt her unintentionally. It came directly out of my receiving issues. So, my best way of dealing with things that makes me uncomfortable, is to intellectualize them. So if you're curious, I did a little more research on giving and receiving issues, behind the cut.
http://www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/c13-love.htm
BALANCE GIVING AND RECEIVING
I HAVE ALREADY RECEIVED MORE THAN I CAN EVER GIVE (Abundance Thinking--See book Chapter 4)
The creative forces gave me life, persons who took care of my survival and most basic needs, and a world full of opportunities for me to meet my own needs and happiness.
LOVE OR FRIENDSHIP IS A GIFT--FOR WHICH I AM GRATEFUL.
No one owes me their love or liking--not even my parents or partner.
I may secretly believe I manipulate others to love me--they would never love me for "who I am." If so, I need to work on my self-esteem (See chapter 5 in book).
I only care to be loved by someone who will love me as I really am. How can I be happy with them if they don't? I will always be hiding who I am and trying to be someone I don't want to be just to please them.
WE WILL BOTH BE HAPPIER IF WE ONLY GIVE OUT OF FEELINGS OF LOVE, GRATITUDE, AND ABUNDANCE (vs OBLIGATION) (To learn more about this, go to chapter 3 in my book.)
If I feel that people "are forcing me" to give or I am giving only because "I should", then I am not giving out of true love and caring and I will feel some resentment from it.
I GIVE PRIMARILY BECAUSE GIVING MAKES ME HAPPIER TO SEE YOU HAPPY
FEELINGS OF LOVE AND CLOSENESS ARE INCREASED BY MUTUAL GIVING
When two people both (1) give out of genuine love and understanding (of their partner's needs/wants) and (2) give enough to surpass what their partner expects from them, then each will find their feelings of love and closeness increasing and the relationship will grow stronger.
I may have been hurt by others in the past and feel distrust and anger.
Feelings of love and closeness are the opposite of resentment. Feelings of resentment and "distance" brought on by a belief in an imbalance of giving are often the cause of romantic/sexual problems.
Both partners may believe "I am giving less than I am receiving" or both may believe "I am giving more than I am receiving"
The problem may be either (1) they do not understand what really makes their partner happy, (2) they do not want (or have) to give what their partner really wants, and/or (3) their partner is not taking care of their own needs enough to provide so that they are like a "BOTTOMLESS PIT" in some need area. In the third case, they are so dependent on their partner, that no one could "make them happy".
Beliefs in "bad intentions" increase anger and distance.
We may give different kinds of gifts that become "trade-offs"
First, give those gifts (of time, energy, etc) that you:
1--enjoy the most,
2--are the most skilled at, and/or
3--are the most important to you.
These three leave a lot of room for creating an overall balance in most relationships.
Another type of "trade-off" might be a situation where trades are made over time.
Trade-off's used to "motivate" my partner.
Can be a good idea. However, relationships that involve too many specific trade-offs or that involve one person doing this a lot more than the other tend to develop into more aggressive types of relationships--so beware!
Being together and having fun together increases intimacy.
Planning in regular times and activities to have fun together and keeping negativity out of those times is an important step toward rebuilding feelings of closeness.
"Assuming togetherness" versus "assuming separateness"
If we "assume separateness", we assume that we will only be together when we both want.
Saying "I care" and "You are special" are the most important gifts
Giving genuine compliments (and avoiding critical comments) builds feelings of closeness
I will monitor the "overall balance of giving" (Approximately 50%-50% if we disagree initially?)
I will be assertive about prolonged imbalances in giving--not good for either in long run.
I WILL NOT BE DEPENDENT UPON YOU TO MEET ANY OF MY NEEDS--I WILL DEPEND UPON MYSELF
I will not expect you to meet any of my needs--I am responsible for meeting my own needs and making myself happy. This lack of coercion helps keep you from resenting me and feeling more distance toward me. Instead you are more likely to feel trust, freedom, love, and closeness to me.
LOVING MEANS GIVING YOU WHAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPIEST--Inferred but not clearly stated above.
LOVING MEANS UNDERSTANDING AND ENCOURAGING YOUR INDIVIDUALITY
EMPATHETIC LISTENING AND EXPLORING ISSUES IN DEPTH IS THE WAY TO DISCOVER WHAT YOU REALLY WANT AND NEED (See self-help handout for more help on this)
I WILL NORMALLY GIVE YOU WHAT YOU SAY YOU WANT--EVEN IF I THINK THAT IS NOT BEST FOR YOU.
HOWEVER, THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS if you are clearly and strongly going against your own happiness/health or that of others.
LOVING MEANS GIVING WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN
I (WITH MY PARTNER) CREATE THE KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WE WILL HAVE
Operating under the forces of love and understanding will usually win out in the long run. Our relationship will reach its full potential--given the other factors that affect our intimacy level.
IF I CAN CREATE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE PERSON, I CAN CREATE AT LEAST THAT GOOD A RELATIONSHIPS WITH SOMEONE ELSE
If I am capable of creating mutually loving relationships which allow both parties to love themselves as well as the other, I become very appealing to others who want that type of relationship.
We did talk about it, which was very important to me. We're still working through it. She didn't get to bed early and nor did she get to work early. I feel bad about that but it was very nice and reassuring that she stayed.
I better get the boy to school, he's got more math to make up.
Let's see if I can remember what I wrote...
Things don't always work out as planned. we made it to coffee (or at least the last 15 minutes or so). Afterwards we picked up somethings at Target, including stuff for dinner. Spaghetti, fresh green beans and garlic cheese bread. Yum.
Although, when P offered me her extra computer speakers, I automatically reacted in a way she didn't expect. I hurt her unintentionally. It came directly out of my receiving issues. So, my best way of dealing with things that makes me uncomfortable, is to intellectualize them. So if you're curious, I did a little more research on giving and receiving issues, behind the cut.
http://www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/c13-love.htm
BALANCE GIVING AND RECEIVING
I HAVE ALREADY RECEIVED MORE THAN I CAN EVER GIVE (Abundance Thinking--See book Chapter 4)
The creative forces gave me life, persons who took care of my survival and most basic needs, and a world full of opportunities for me to meet my own needs and happiness.
LOVE OR FRIENDSHIP IS A GIFT--FOR WHICH I AM GRATEFUL.
No one owes me their love or liking--not even my parents or partner.
I may secretly believe I manipulate others to love me--they would never love me for "who I am." If so, I need to work on my self-esteem (See chapter 5 in book).
I only care to be loved by someone who will love me as I really am. How can I be happy with them if they don't? I will always be hiding who I am and trying to be someone I don't want to be just to please them.
WE WILL BOTH BE HAPPIER IF WE ONLY GIVE OUT OF FEELINGS OF LOVE, GRATITUDE, AND ABUNDANCE (vs OBLIGATION) (To learn more about this, go to chapter 3 in my book.)
If I feel that people "are forcing me" to give or I am giving only because "I should", then I am not giving out of true love and caring and I will feel some resentment from it.
I GIVE PRIMARILY BECAUSE GIVING MAKES ME HAPPIER TO SEE YOU HAPPY
FEELINGS OF LOVE AND CLOSENESS ARE INCREASED BY MUTUAL GIVING
When two people both (1) give out of genuine love and understanding (of their partner's needs/wants) and (2) give enough to surpass what their partner expects from them, then each will find their feelings of love and closeness increasing and the relationship will grow stronger.
I may have been hurt by others in the past and feel distrust and anger.
Feelings of love and closeness are the opposite of resentment. Feelings of resentment and "distance" brought on by a belief in an imbalance of giving are often the cause of romantic/sexual problems.
Both partners may believe "I am giving less than I am receiving" or both may believe "I am giving more than I am receiving"
The problem may be either (1) they do not understand what really makes their partner happy, (2) they do not want (or have) to give what their partner really wants, and/or (3) their partner is not taking care of their own needs enough to provide so that they are like a "BOTTOMLESS PIT" in some need area. In the third case, they are so dependent on their partner, that no one could "make them happy".
Beliefs in "bad intentions" increase anger and distance.
We may give different kinds of gifts that become "trade-offs"
First, give those gifts (of time, energy, etc) that you:
1--enjoy the most,
2--are the most skilled at, and/or
3--are the most important to you.
These three leave a lot of room for creating an overall balance in most relationships.
Another type of "trade-off" might be a situation where trades are made over time.
Trade-off's used to "motivate" my partner.
Can be a good idea. However, relationships that involve too many specific trade-offs or that involve one person doing this a lot more than the other tend to develop into more aggressive types of relationships--so beware!
Being together and having fun together increases intimacy.
Planning in regular times and activities to have fun together and keeping negativity out of those times is an important step toward rebuilding feelings of closeness.
"Assuming togetherness" versus "assuming separateness"
If we "assume separateness", we assume that we will only be together when we both want.
Saying "I care" and "You are special" are the most important gifts
Giving genuine compliments (and avoiding critical comments) builds feelings of closeness
I will monitor the "overall balance of giving" (Approximately 50%-50% if we disagree initially?)
I will be assertive about prolonged imbalances in giving--not good for either in long run.
I WILL NOT BE DEPENDENT UPON YOU TO MEET ANY OF MY NEEDS--I WILL DEPEND UPON MYSELF
I will not expect you to meet any of my needs--I am responsible for meeting my own needs and making myself happy. This lack of coercion helps keep you from resenting me and feeling more distance toward me. Instead you are more likely to feel trust, freedom, love, and closeness to me.
LOVING MEANS GIVING YOU WHAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPIEST--Inferred but not clearly stated above.
LOVING MEANS UNDERSTANDING AND ENCOURAGING YOUR INDIVIDUALITY
EMPATHETIC LISTENING AND EXPLORING ISSUES IN DEPTH IS THE WAY TO DISCOVER WHAT YOU REALLY WANT AND NEED (See self-help handout for more help on this)
I WILL NORMALLY GIVE YOU WHAT YOU SAY YOU WANT--EVEN IF I THINK THAT IS NOT BEST FOR YOU.
HOWEVER, THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS if you are clearly and strongly going against your own happiness/health or that of others.
LOVING MEANS GIVING WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN
I (WITH MY PARTNER) CREATE THE KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WE WILL HAVE
Operating under the forces of love and understanding will usually win out in the long run. Our relationship will reach its full potential--given the other factors that affect our intimacy level.
IF I CAN CREATE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE PERSON, I CAN CREATE AT LEAST THAT GOOD A RELATIONSHIPS WITH SOMEONE ELSE
If I am capable of creating mutually loving relationships which allow both parties to love themselves as well as the other, I become very appealing to others who want that type of relationship.
We did talk about it, which was very important to me. We're still working through it. She didn't get to bed early and nor did she get to work early. I feel bad about that but it was very nice and reassuring that she stayed.
I better get the boy to school, he's got more math to make up.
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Date: 2005-11-16 12:42 am (UTC)When I decided to stay home with my son when he was a baby, I really felt that I had to take care of everything else (besides earning a wage), I felt it was my due since I was staying home. I also grew resentful and I know that impacted my marriage. I didn't ask for help and he didn't give it. After I started working some, he wouldn't even start the oven and throw something in for me when I was too exhausted to do it. It was his night for going out and he couldn't take the 5 minutes of effort. This was the start of a really bad scene between us, a scene that I acted very poorly and have great shame about.
ugh, I didn't realize how this all could factor into my issues. Thank you for the conversation about this...I don't always think that I know what how things have come to be or what my triggers are.