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It was two years ago that my sister donated her kidney to my Dad. He was doing so well, who knew that he would be killed by a truck. 
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I've realized that I'm probably still adjusting to the daylight savings change and not getting caught up on the sleep I need. It's just so hard to sleep when I'm cuddling up to my dear one. I have a little bit of a sore throat but I'm hanging in there. Tomorrow is my last day before I'm off for 4 days to take care of my sister. She's been preliminarly approved to go home to my mothers tonight, I haven't heard if she did yet. My Dad may go home on Saturday. He seems to be doing amazingly well but his partner things he's being manic. My mother thinks that he's just euphoric because he's feeling so much better.

Today during text message and email conversations, P and I uncovered some conversation that was challenging to talk about electronically. It's a little hard to make sure that intentions and meanings are clearly understood when nuances of communication aren't available. She makes me very happy, I know that I can be kinda reserved and I need to be more expressive of how much she does make me happy. I don't want her to be scared, it makes me scared and then both of us get scared.

Oops, gotta go, work is calling me.
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So this morning my mom called, apparently last night my sister was still pretty sick. My Dad who is on some prednisone was even worse in addition to all his dry heaves, he's also getting hallucinations (known side affect from the meds). My mom is going back and forth playing nurse maid. I can understand it for my sister but my parents have been divorced for many years. My Dad typically doesn't like to be around my mom and I always leave that between them. He must be having a hard time if he's reaching out to her for comfort but I'm sure he wants to stay present (not in the land of nightmares). This should be the worst day for them and only get better after that.
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After work on Friday I drove down to meet up with P at R's house. I was waiting for P and thought that R and E were not home yet, they were but painting behind the building. P came up shortly after I got there. We were off to see an art opening at www.daniroachart.com. Really enjoyed it, got to meet Dani's partner. She looked really good and happy. I can't wait to hear it from a reflective perspective on Thursday. After the show, picked up a pizza and played games at R and E's house. I'm so used to be the 3rd person there...a little odd now that it's a foursome.

Saturday I worked at another public library that I had never been to before. It worked out well enough but part of that was because it was SO dead. I came home for a nice nap before we were off and running again. Putzing with P preparing yummy snack, picking up beverages and a stop for girly perfume at the outlet. We were fashionably late. Party was nice, hanging with friends, good food and great easy conversation. I really enjoyed C and M's house and meeting C's daughter who seems very grounded. Looked at their commitment pictures from their 7/3 event, such a happy family.

Conversation and thinking on the way home led me to an ephiphany. Falling in love to me is a bit like surrendering your soul to another person. I'm guessing I felt that way at some point with my ex-husband even though I can't imagine it now. The whole surrender thing completely freaks me out. I'm so accustom to being strong and in charge, afraid if I loose that, I won't get it back and I'll be lost....perhaps weak but intellectually, I know that's not the case. Trusting another person is hugely scary for me. I also feel like I can identify what "old love" feels like but what does "new love" feel like? versus the excitement of a new relationship?

Sunday I get up early to go meet with my sisters and mom to go over things with regards to the transplant surgery and etc. I really appreciate how smart and together my older sister is, little sis and mom would go off topic but A really wanted to make sure that we had all the information she wanted us to have with regards to transplant and living will and etc. Way cool sis. I explained to them how it was that I got a new phone, judgemental little sis is snotty about things and mom never says a word. As we were leaving big sis says she would like to hear more about P. Again, she's so way cool. I've got to talk to Dad about his details except tomorrow he will be at the clinic preparing so I'm not sure when it will happen. Family has started to gather there....got to make some food for them.

Talked to N on the way to work. N is an ex who recently got married to a man. That was a little surprising but whatever. She is really not similar to me in a lot of ways but I enjoy keeping in touch with her. She has big drive and ambition, strong opinions and appears fearless. She enjoys my family though.
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My Dad has been approved for a transplant. My sister is the best match at this point. The surgery is scheduled for Oct 31 or Nov 1. I'm going to be taking some time to care for my sister(probably my Dad too). I understand it's harder on the giver of the kidney than the one who's receiving it. As I'm not the one able to give the kidney, my sister will be, I want to show my appreciation to her by being there as she wants me to. She lives in IA. Perhaps because she's my "big" sister, I still look up to her but I just find this really an amazing gift. In no way am I ready to lose either of these very special people.

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September 2015

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