(no subject)

So I'm still mad about what my "friends" did, who needs enemies when you've got friends like this. I don't like being mad but it's like I'm stuck there. I haven't looked at the mess much less done anything with it since I discovered it on Sunday. I think I'm in denial. After I wrote them an email about it, 2 of the 3 people said they'd come clean it up and that they were sorry. I feel like until it's done, I don't even want to acknowledge it (by responding to their email, talking to them or doing any more clean up). Luckily for me, I've been very busy with work and etc to really deal with the people about it. Although, I'm mad, sad and hurt about the whole thing, I don't know how to get past it. I'm feeling pretty vunerable about it and I hate that feeling, I think that's where the denial comes in. This is when I'm glad that I can journal about it--although, I almost wish that I didn't know anyone here in real life, but I guess I've got to trust (UGH!) those couple(or maybe they aren't reading it--crossing my fingers) that I know. Trust is such a big huge ugly thing for me...perhaps that's part of my pain. I thought that I could "trust" that my "friends" would know where to draw the line when it comes to this practical joke. I thought that my friends would think about the ramifications of what they did (maybe not right away but pretty quickly afterwards)...thought they'd clean it up sooner. I don't know how to resolve this, don't know how to "trust" them again, don't know how to like them again, don't know how to interact with them now that all of this has taken place...do I want to? I don't want this to be a big issue, but I don't know how to make this small or disappear. I tend to be pretty self contained and I'm trying my darndest to contain this but it won't go away. I don't want to talk/see/deal with any of them until I've "finished" dealing with this but it's not happening.

I think I really don't trust that they will clean up the mess...I think I feel this trust thing on a bigger picture, that in the end, I really don't trust that people(in general) will be there for me and therefore, I've got to go it alone. In the end, people will always hurt you, it's just a matter of time.

Gawd, I hate this, I also hate arguing with myself, I'm trying to filter through irrational and rational, trying to argue with myself, trying to see my bad habits/thought patterns and resolve this to make it right and I know that I really shouldn't be doing this in a vacuum but involve the other people but it goes back to that whole darn trust thing. I know that a lot of these are my own personal issues that they didn't realize they were butting up against. I guess I also feel like they don't care enough to resolve it they way I might need to and I'm too scared to ask for/want it or talk about it.

I've got to go to work.

a quiz via lesbionick

(x) Slept all night in a bed with a person of the opposite sex
(x) Slept all night in a bed with a person of the same sex
(x) Slept for more than 12 hours
( ) Missed a week of school or more
( ) Put chapstick on more than 5 times in an 1 hour
(x) Kissed more than one person in a day
(x) Kissed more than two people in a day
(x) Eaten a gummy worm
(x) Jumped on a trampoline
( ) Ridden a unicycle.
(x) Done something special for someone else
( ) Stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant
( ) Paid more than $50 for food at a fast food restaurant
( ) Got caught for cheating
(x) Talked on the phone while going to the bathroom
(x) Brushed your teeth while on the phone
(x) Worked at a fast food place
(x) Written a poem
(x) Randomly called people out of a phone book
( ) Gotten a wrong number but talked to them anyways
( ) Been on a yacht
(x) Put bananas in your cheerios
(x) Lied to a friend to make them feel better
(x) Dated someone more than 4 years older than you
( ) Eaten frosting out of the original container
( ) Had a dream about a MySpace friend
(x) Fallen in public.
(x) Had your pants rip
(x) Recently had a PB&J sandwich
(x) Killed an animal, insects dont count
( ) Been prescribed to 3 or more medications by a doctor at once
(x) Wished you were an only child
( ) Used your friends razor
(x) Been unproud of a decision you made
( ) Worked for a family member
(x) Been told you were too young
(x) Made out in a car
(x) Kissed a friend, then their best friend
(x) Gotten away with a lie to your parents
( ) Been dumped the night before a dance and left with out a date
( ) Gone out with a person one of your parents set you up with
(x) Hate to admit you are wrong
( ) Ridden in a shopping cart in the grocery store
( ) Break danced in a Mini Mart
( ) Went into a mini mart in socks
(x) Worn a tiara....It was green and given to me by a friend
( )Gone to church more than 3 times in a week
( ) Copied more than 30 CD's in a day
(x) Made a movie
( )Dressed gothic
( ) Worn 5 or more layers of clothing.
(x) Had a stalker, yeah, it was my ex-husband
(x) Been to California
( ) Lived on a house boat
( ) Swam in clear blue water, BWCA of course !
(x) Sat in a doctors office with a friend
( ) Ran across 6 lanes of traffic
( ) Hit on a waiter/waitress, I don't hit on anyone
(x) Taken pictures with a stranger
(x) Stayed in a hotel room with 3 other school mates.
(x) Made a public speech
( ) Been on cable television.
(x) Been on regular television
( ) Put straws up your nose
( ) Choreographed a dance
(x) Felt used
(x) Made a smoothie or milkshake
(x) Had fun at work/school
( ) Watched Desperate Housewives
( ) Watched a movie so often you could quote every word
( ) picked bellybutton and smelled it
(x) Listened to an old NSYNC or Backstreet Boys CD more than
once, yeah but only cause my son was playing it
(x) Kept something from a past relationship
(x) Given someone else flowers
(x) Taken a foreign language
(x) Gotten to school at 6:15 in the morning
( ) Not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class
(x) Laughed for no apparent reason
( ) Spent more than 10 minutes on this survey

(no subject)

Tonight when I got home, a couple of friends came to clean up. It was weird. I was glad they were there. E even did a lot of weed whipping. Although, she said that I thought about what people thought of me too much, I'm not sure if that was in reference to the mess they made or not. I wasn't so worried about what people thought as the time it would take me to clean it up. I also would have been mad the entire time. R also said that she realized that she didn't know me as well as she thought. Oh well...I'm going to get some sleep!