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Mar. 8th, 2004 09:43 amAAAaaaaahhhh....
It was so nice to be able to complete my paper(I was actually able to get to sleep at 4:30am).
I was woken up at 7:30 by a woman that lives in my town. She is an interesting woman, age 50 and plagued with mental health issues. She spotted me and a peace planning meeting and her gaydar went off. I did try to hook her up with another woman I met but MZ's mental health issues cause her to act a little strange, or perhaps that's just who she is. I don't mind talking to her because I figure she's lonely despite her mental health issues, she's an alright gal ! But I digress...
I made it to class with a completed paper and stayed awake during it. Afterwords I went to my Dad's house where AF was. Stayed and had dinner with my Dad and his partner. We had interesting conversations. My Dad noticed how AF's voice is beginning to change, noticed how nice it is to have him around.
My Dad isn't the first person to recognize his voice changing....he's also got some strands of hair growing in his armpits and his eyebrows are getting heavier...darker soft hair above his lip. It's so weird because he's no longer my baby but growing into a young man. I can tell that their is some weird feelings it raises in me... I'm not sure what it is... grief and loss of my baby, wondering what kind of man he will be ? I think I've felt that due to the largely feminine circle I've been around, as a child, he still fits in. I don't need to accommodate his needs as much (perhaps I should have accommodated him more ?). I know feel that he might be different or alien as he becomes a young man.
It raises thoughts about my interactions with men. I have mixed feelings about men. I love my dad, I love my son. I mostly only work with men. Men seem easier to me, simpler, less complex and less intimidating. Except when they are intimidating(when they are using their "power") I've noticed a number of men who are not considerate and bully their way in the parking lot, in a sit yourself restaurant. I don't like men when they do that. I've really enjoyed my friendships(which haven't ever sustained) with men especially when they know that it's strictly platonic(when they know that I'm gay).
Women can often intimidate me when I'm attracted to them or when I'm impressed by or admire them. Perhaps this has nothing to do with gender but it's all about power. Power is often associated with the good old boys network(WASP). I think I need to explore my thoughts about power more...
I recently took one of those quizzes so I could determine what philosopher I'm closest to, it came up with Nels Nodding. I wish I could find which quiz it was, but I can't. Anyways, she recently wrote a book "Happiness and Education" I was able to track it down through my college's library. I look forward to reading it. Something academic about happiness....not just a easy soft self help book. Here's an amazon link to it http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0521807638/qid=1078761762//ref=pd_ka_1/104-6617884-3834353?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
Saturday night driving home, AF was talking pretty candidly (he's so nice after spending time with his Grandfather) and he was talking about his different families(his Dad's and my family). I was very sensitive to not say anything bad about his Dad's family. He admitted that he liked my family because he learns so much. He also talked about how his Dad's family does a lot of things (snowmobiling, 4 wheeling and etc) He spoke of how he and his Dad often talk privately about the rest of his family ( and what they do) AF talked about how he can't imagine how him(his Dad) and I ever got together. I explained that we were very young and didn't know who we were then(which is why it's important to put your energies into taking care of yourself first before you find a mate...I'm preaching responsible sexual behavior to him every chance I get). We also talked about how TF has some things in common with my family due to the time he's been a part of it. I thought this was all very interesting and he's such a wonderful young man. My Dad talked about he can see a lot of me in him. I also realized that I don't hug him as much, he pushes me away often but his Dad always gets a hug when he drops him off. I'm going to make a point of getting my hugs !
Sunday was nice and quiet, laundry, grocery shopping, "Finding Nemo" funny.
It was so nice to be able to complete my paper(I was actually able to get to sleep at 4:30am).
I was woken up at 7:30 by a woman that lives in my town. She is an interesting woman, age 50 and plagued with mental health issues. She spotted me and a peace planning meeting and her gaydar went off. I did try to hook her up with another woman I met but MZ's mental health issues cause her to act a little strange, or perhaps that's just who she is. I don't mind talking to her because I figure she's lonely despite her mental health issues, she's an alright gal ! But I digress...
I made it to class with a completed paper and stayed awake during it. Afterwords I went to my Dad's house where AF was. Stayed and had dinner with my Dad and his partner. We had interesting conversations. My Dad noticed how AF's voice is beginning to change, noticed how nice it is to have him around.
My Dad isn't the first person to recognize his voice changing....he's also got some strands of hair growing in his armpits and his eyebrows are getting heavier...darker soft hair above his lip. It's so weird because he's no longer my baby but growing into a young man. I can tell that their is some weird feelings it raises in me... I'm not sure what it is... grief and loss of my baby, wondering what kind of man he will be ? I think I've felt that due to the largely feminine circle I've been around, as a child, he still fits in. I don't need to accommodate his needs as much (perhaps I should have accommodated him more ?). I know feel that he might be different or alien as he becomes a young man.
It raises thoughts about my interactions with men. I have mixed feelings about men. I love my dad, I love my son. I mostly only work with men. Men seem easier to me, simpler, less complex and less intimidating. Except when they are intimidating(when they are using their "power") I've noticed a number of men who are not considerate and bully their way in the parking lot, in a sit yourself restaurant. I don't like men when they do that. I've really enjoyed my friendships(which haven't ever sustained) with men especially when they know that it's strictly platonic(when they know that I'm gay).
Women can often intimidate me when I'm attracted to them or when I'm impressed by or admire them. Perhaps this has nothing to do with gender but it's all about power. Power is often associated with the good old boys network(WASP). I think I need to explore my thoughts about power more...
I recently took one of those quizzes so I could determine what philosopher I'm closest to, it came up with Nels Nodding. I wish I could find which quiz it was, but I can't. Anyways, she recently wrote a book "Happiness and Education" I was able to track it down through my college's library. I look forward to reading it. Something academic about happiness....not just a easy soft self help book. Here's an amazon link to it http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0521807638/qid=1078761762//ref=pd_ka_1/104-6617884-3834353?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
Saturday night driving home, AF was talking pretty candidly (he's so nice after spending time with his Grandfather) and he was talking about his different families(his Dad's and my family). I was very sensitive to not say anything bad about his Dad's family. He admitted that he liked my family because he learns so much. He also talked about how his Dad's family does a lot of things (snowmobiling, 4 wheeling and etc) He spoke of how he and his Dad often talk privately about the rest of his family ( and what they do) AF talked about how he can't imagine how him(his Dad) and I ever got together. I explained that we were very young and didn't know who we were then(which is why it's important to put your energies into taking care of yourself first before you find a mate...I'm preaching responsible sexual behavior to him every chance I get). We also talked about how TF has some things in common with my family due to the time he's been a part of it. I thought this was all very interesting and he's such a wonderful young man. My Dad talked about he can see a lot of me in him. I also realized that I don't hug him as much, he pushes me away often but his Dad always gets a hug when he drops him off. I'm going to make a point of getting my hugs !
Sunday was nice and quiet, laundry, grocery shopping, "Finding Nemo" funny.
