I do better with sleep.

[zestfive]

I'm back to work, started yesterday. They're still trying to figure out where to put me and what my schedule will be. I still don't have keys or a computer but apparently I've got a phone. I'll be working Tuesdays and Thursdays through the rest of summer session with 4 hours on the desk each day. Starting fall semester, I'll be full time and may be working in reference, serials and/or interlibrary loan. I'm happy to be doing different things and learning more stuff. I've been a bit bored but I'm also a bit nervous about the serials as I don't know a whole lot about it and the guy that would handle that tends to keep everything to himself and I want to learn and do a good job.

Driving home, I was so tired and felt really discouraged and just didn't want to work. I didn't want to commute an hour each way and I felt frusturated that I scrape by and drive cheap old cars when it seems that everyone I know is driving these big brand new SUVs around. I want someone to take care of me, buy me a car, and etc. I don't want to be the sole income earner in my household. It's weighing heavy on my shoulders right now.

I went home put in a pizza and shared it with A. Afterwards, I decided that I wasn't going to worry about laundry and should go to sleep, I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, it was 7:30 or so.  I knew that I needed sleep, my perspective is always off when I don't get good sleep. I woke up somewhere around 2:30, realized the boy didn't feed the cats nor empty the dishwasher like he said he would. I fed the cats, ate a little something, read my email, did a little laundry and went back to bed. Of course, I didn't sleep well and sure didn't want to wake up when my alarm did go off. I had a headache when I woke up, took some aspirin. The headache went away but now it's back again, took more aspirin....go away headache!

So, having gotten some sleep, you'd think I'd feel better than I really do. I still want someone else to take care of me, I want to be someone who doesn't *have to* work. I want to have my biggest problem be what I'm going to cook for dinner. You'd also think I wouldn't feel like this after returning from a nice two week vacation.

Of course, really I should be happy, I've got employment for another year, after that I've got some savings to support us for another year if need be, after that, A is a senior and I'm sure something will happen by then. I should be able to save enough money to take P on a trip for her 50th birthday next year. I don't have any debt other than my mortgage and small student loan of less than $3k. 

So I was thinking about Yvonne whom I met at Turtle Island, she's been there for the last 5 years, working as a intern, receiving room and board with a small stipend. She lives/works there and travels home a few time every so often. I can't imagine she has great health insurance, retirement or savings. She was happy where she was at and didn't really know what she might do after that. I don't that I know how to live without having some kind of goal to achieve or something to work forward to or waiting for xxxxx. I think I do need to figure out how to live in the moment and not so much in the future because otherwise, I don't appreciate what is, only what could be. I think part of it is because I would probably live very different if it wasn't for wanting to provide stability for A. I don't resent it, it is my choice after all, I don't want to rush it, because after its done, he'll be gone.

I want to be able to live on less but enjoy life more.