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We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. 
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each of them--we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. 
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.

From The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
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I don't want to go back to the real world yet. We do need to start packing for the drive home. I also need to figure out what to do about my lost wallet. It's been a reall lovely weekend as far as I'm concerned. We watched movies, painted and had the time all to each other. P did have a lot of ups and downs but I think she's starting to even out. I wish I had another weekend here...we haven't had a whole lot of time alone for a while. It was good.


Jul. 1st, 2009 01:24 am
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We've been cleaning for a couple of days. My garbage and recycling cans are overflowing and it feels good.

There is still plenty to go but we'll get there. My dream is to be able to park my truck and the camper in the garage.

We did decide we're not going camping with the girls and Saturday we'll be doing the St. Paul Gangster cave tour and Sunday we'll be doing the segway tour along the Mississippi river in Minneapolis. We've been productive and will have fun on our staycation.

My back has had a crick in it and my arm has been sore. I'm happy to say I've got a chiropractor appointment tomorrow.

Teh boy drove in the dark for the first time tonight. He's finally getting a little more relaxed with driving. He's gonna have some friends over to play D & D tomorrow. We ran to the store to buy snacks. It's a little more difficult as one of his buddies is vegan.

life is definitely feeling better for me, thanks for all your support and kind words.
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P was put on thyroid medication today. She was sad that she has to take more medication but I'm hoping she will feel better after it kicks in.

I broke down and purchased a new camera today. I've lost my other camera. The last time I saw it was in March during our Seattle trip. I could have sworn I had it when I came back but don't really know where it went. It's possible I didn't bring it back but it could have also been taken from me at work, my car or something like that.

Yesterday we went to the zoo with my sisters, mom, Dad's partner and teh boy. I was glad teh boy got out of the house but he got cranky after we stayed until it closed (6pm). He's like "I knew this would happen" which I'm not sure what that meant.

Tomorrow me and teh boy are going to the dentist.
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Happy Mother's day (and I'll take Blot's lead and say to all those folks male and female who do mothering.)

I hope you have a great day. I had a delightful dinner cooked by teh boy. It was lovely. P was here and she enjoyed it too. Teh boy gave her a hug too. She's having a tough time today.
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I'm going to try to do a quick post now that I'm back to work. I've got to get organized for the next semester.

Saturday was the annual gala that P and I have gone to for the last three years (minus the year when she was sick) it would have been four if she didn't get sick. The first year was just really wonderful. She wore a tux and was just so attractive. I wore this cute little black dress. She splurged for a really nice room at the hotel. We danced to almost every song, she had a beautiful smile on her face the entire time. It was like a dream.

This year we went despite our heavy hearts, we ate at Ichibans **and then went to the dance. We didn't dance as much as the first time but she still had that beautiful smile on her face. It just brought me right back to our first dance.  It was good to see everyone that I know and we even got free pictures from the photographer since I knew her.  That was great to see the photographer and her partner (she's pregnant and adorable!). Afterwards those that stayed over at the hotel went for brunch at Hell's Kitchen. It was a very cold walk for 4 blocks but my love went to get the car and picked me up.

** funny story about Ichiban's, Our group was 15 and they had to add a few extra chairs to seat us all at the same table. One of the folks taking our order asked us if anyone was celebrating a birthday or something and I impulsively said "we could if you want us to"  and he asked for my name.  At the end of the meal when he brought out ice cream, he also brought out a little sundae and then proceeded to sing "Happy Birthday" to me, which made me laugh until I was practically crying.
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I had comp time to take off Friday. It was the annual camp trip where P and I met. We were part of a small group that went up a little early. I'm glad we did, it's always so hard to get us going. We arrived after 9pm.  P didn't feel great through out the weekend but could nap as she needed. I got lots of social time in, met some really great and interesting women.  It was a good group of new and old friends, young and more "mature". P and I saw our next step up in a camper. It would be perfect for us, 22 mpg and all the luxuries but brand new it's pretty pricey. I did get sleep but I still feel tired, perhaps because it's just a little too much outside my normal routine. Tonight hopefully will be dinner with a friend. I've got to call her and see if she's still up for it.

Next weekend we're going to go camping again, to celebrate a friend's birthday. The forecast looks good! Cool nights and warm days.  Great sleeping weather in the camper! I hope to do some hiking and geocaching. I also need a weekend off with my honey.

Our anniversary is coming up next month, 3 years together. I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else, don't even remember what it was like before her. I'll have to figure out how to celebrate it. I love spending my time with her, even if we don't do a thing.
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 It's been a good weekend. Saturday we went to camping world to check it out...we didn't find anything for our camper. We stopped at Best Buy and I picked up a new laptop. The one I had before had a problem with the display. If I wanted to use it as a desktop I could buy a monitor. If I could find a new display, I could repair it but we couldn't find one. It's really too bad that computers are now disposible. I did find a nice vaio which was a demo, $200 off. P said she'd buy me a nice laptop bag as a congrats on my new job. Saturday night we had dinner with some friends at the local german restaurant. P and I got the sampler platter, yummy. They brought P a prize, she was given Squawkers McCaw it's hilarious to play with. 

Sunday we had a great time visiting with friends at a BBQ. Nice gathering and good to see folks. Although there were comments that some of our friends felt that others weren't as close as we had been. I'm not sure what that is about...I enjoy everyone as individuals and if some folks are "pulling away" or whatever, that's okay. I just enjoy them when we have time for it. I brought a DQ cake to celebrate with the crew. I dropped P home and then I ran into town to pick up an order at REI and my computer (they had to re-do the hard drive). 

less than 4 weeks left of my "old" job. I'm looking forward to being done and after that we're going to disney world to celebrate P's birthday. Who knows what's going to happen after that. I'm looking forward to finding out when I start my new job. I do want to get going on dealing with my Dad's estate, finishing the bathrooms, organizing the house and etc.
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My weekend was very full and I want some time off. I suppose it didn't help that I woke up at 4:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. Friday we tried to lay low for most of the night. Saturday, we had company. I think P really loves being around kids for the holidays. She loves her arts and crafts and I've also been really enjoying her cooking lately. I can only cook okay but she does a great job with meat and etc (I usually cook the hell out of it because I'm afraid that it will be raw in the middle). She invited her friend N over and they worked on all sorts of stuff. I was running errands that I didn't think would take as long as they did. Of course, I'm always thinking I've got more time to do what I need to do. 

After all that was done, P laid down to rest before we went to see Sara Thomson in concert. I saw a number of folks that I was able to introduce them to Sara's music. It was fun to see. I was able to pre-order Sara's new cd. I'm very excited about that! I also saw my ex and her  his new girlfriend (she identifies as straight and therefore they present as a straight couple  or will present as straight once surgery is done). I'm excited that T(my ex) is graduating with a creative writing degree after many years of school) She started out as a history major and then switched to creative writing around the time we broke up. She had completed her classes and only needed to complete the capstone project to finish. She He is now thinking of doing a MFA degree. I'm hoping to attend his senior reading at a local writers spot. I hope to go and P decided against it. It's funny that P gets so weird around T. There's really nothing P should be jealous about, I cared about her but wasn't in love with T like I am with P. 

I also saw my dear friend D who I've know for close to 16 years. I always enjoy my time around her but she just never seems to have any time for me. She always talks a good talk about how she wants to get together and etc. but she never makes the effort. We talked about getting together for spring break 2005 but it never happened. She said I should call her for this winter break, and I'm like...yeah, sure but I know that it wouldn't likely happen. Her daughter just got engaged, she told me the story including the fact afterwards they got stoned and had great sex! Yikes!

Sunday we slept until 9 (which is really rather early for us!)  Up and I prepared for our couples group presentation. She worked on cleaning up more of the kitchen from the day before. She also worked downstairs in the basement some. At noon we left for our couples group and we weren't even the last couple to arrive! GRIN We have a tendancy of running late. Afterwards, we went to look at a little camper that we want to buy. It's adorable. We came home, P worked on laundry(which I must say was a little weird for me, granted it includes both our laundry but still strange) I worked on bills for my father's cabin and figuring out who owes whom what (between the last couple of weeks expenses for P and I)

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I had a good weekend. We made it to church despite the bonfire that went until 2am. We never did do the intervention we planned. She seemed better for some reason. Although in the cover of the darkness, we did switch her beers for O'Dooles, she never noticed but did go to bed early.

We even went to the early service at church. My Dad's partner was there, it was good to see her. One of the musicians was a young man who my son knew at one time, he's phenomenally talented and my Dad would have loved to hear him play.

I'm really tired today and can't wait until I make it home. I hope to sleep in tomorrow. I've got a headache right now and just took something. I'm listening to the last Harry Potter book on tape.

The weather is so dreary which kinda matches my mood and I don't want to be here.

I got the new lawnmower working. I also finally "fixed" the burnt-out headlight in the red car, turns out the bulb just fell out of the headlight. I just need to clean it out and change the oil for the boy to start practicing driving again. I also want to fix the "stuck" door.

Okay, I better go start working on the ST-200 work. The appointment with him is in 5 minutes.

My weekend

Oct. 8th, 2007 12:04 pm
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P came home early on Friday morning. It made it very hard to go to work. I think I'm finally coming back to my regular life slowly but surely. P says I've been gone, I say I've been grieving. Obviously, it's all new to us on how we grieve together. I know I definately do go inward when I'm not taking care of other people. I don't even know what I need really....  I'm a talking she's not so much. I know that she's been trying to be there for me, helping me out in ways. I need to watch for them to recognize it since she doesn't say anything. Sometimes in my grief, I'm oblivious or don't recognize her efforts, I think it's important to recognize people's efforts. Last weekend, she stocked my freezer. 

This weekend she wasn't feeling well on Friday when I came home from work. I let her sleep, she needed it. The boy and I cooked dinner, hoping she'd wake up but okay if she didn't. The boy talks about how he doesn't know how to cook despite having taken years of home ec. I finally said that we could cook together, I figure it would be good for us to have some time together. We made baked pork chops with stuffing, mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. I think it gave him some confidence in cooking. Hopefully we'll keep it up. The boy went to sleep and P woke up just as I was going to go to bed early. We ended up running to the store that must not be named walmart. It's what's open 24 hours a day in my area. She needed her coke. She ended up spending quite a bit of money, including an automatic catbox and two collars for the cats (Jinx already took his off and it's missing). She bought the cat box to try and make my life easier. She stayed up and I went to bed after the store. She wants to clean up the basement so that we can do crafts with our friends. I think it would be fun but cleaning the basement is just not one of my priorities. 

When I woke up on Saturday, after a slow start we first picked up a new lawnmower (the old one is finally dying) went to Bob and Scooters,  I mean, Dave and Busters.  She wanted to do this in support of finding things to do with the boy that he would enjoy. We ended up staying there a couple of hours and had a good time. The boy said it was better than Space Aliens  Food was pretty good. We ran into friends on the way out. At home, P wasn't feeling well and laid down. We were going to go to games night with friends but with P not feeling well, I was okay staying home. 

Sunday the plan was to go to church (early service because going to the late one runs the risk for P to run into T which makes her uncomfortable). I love going to church with her. We stopped to look at a camper (16 ft scamp) for sale before I dropped her off and I went to coffee. While driving to church we talked about our friend B who has a drinking problem. I think it's time for us to sit her down and tell her how much we're concerned about her.

After I got home, P was ready for a nap, I snuggled her down. very nice! The boy and I made fake frappicinos, dinner and then laundry. P left for work but we had a very good weekend. Good conversation with the boy, he's interested in going to same high school as [personal profile] anterastilis, I'll have to ask her about it.
[Bad username or unknown identity: ]
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Oh boy, my sleep schedule is messed up. I feel totally behind in my LJ. Did I tell you I went shopping? I so rarely go shopping but I figure that I need to start dressing a little better for work. I had gone to a leadership institute for work and met a woman who while thinner than me was similar in stature and rounder like me. She dressed really sharp as far as I was concerned. Professional but designed for short and squatty girls, not too trendy but not old lady either. So I stopped by CJ Banks and ended up leaving with 9 things for a little more than $100. 2 skirts and 7 tops. I just need to find some shoes to go with the skirts.

So this weekend the boy went with his father to visit  his Aunt(the boy's father's sister) he had an adventure, very different family than either his father or I have. S(the aunt) is 4 years younger than me, married and divorced 3 times with 3 kids from each husband. I guess the fun thing was that they were in a parade promoting her hair salon she runs out of her garage called the "Hair Yard".

Friday night I worked out ***  and than went to dinner with friends. It was a good time, I had been waiting for P to wake up and perhaps join us or let me know when she was coming out. She ended up sleeping 21 hours! That's just not right, there has to be something wrong. I knew she was more tired than usual but it's crazy. After dinner, I stayed up a little but was asleep by 12:30 or so, P showed up around 5:30. She was feeling pretty good. She cuddled with me some and than I went back to sleep. She was working on cleaning the TV room because my friend R was coming over.  I got up and was helping her too. We were going to put up the new shades but I couldn't find my drill for the life of me. Finally gave up on that and P was tired so she layed down and I ran to the store for snacks for the evening.

We had a good time, LAUGHING LOUD and playing guitar hero and karaoke with Singstar game. It was absolutely hilarious! The funniest part was that it came with a camera thing(I think~P set it up) and would take random video of you singing and you could play it back complete with audio. We were dying! P went to sleep earlier than we did, as she wasn't feeling well. R and I finally crashed near 4am. I was up by 10am to visit with R before she left. P and I went back to sleep and slept quite late. The boy is back from his Dad's, but they were late because he had "car trouble" whatever that meant.....I'm just glad he's back. Tomorrow we're going to the MN history center with my mother....hopefully go okay.

*** I've started working out again....let's see if I can get into a habit. As I stayed up so late, my sleep schedule is so messed up so I'll probably go sometime in the wee hours of the morning. If you don't hear from me again....you'll know why!


Jun. 24th, 2007 11:59 pm
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It went too fast, Friday night I went into town to go to the Trans march, unfortunately R and I never found it. It was so frusturating. I know that he really wanted to go, so did I. I think I needed to do some better research with the address but I've never heard of Gold Medal park. We did decide to go have dinner and head to the after march party and stayed there for a couple of hours. We met up with my friend R who disappeared after a while, we discovered after we were ready to leave. She lived a few blocks away so we stopped by there and visited for a while before we went home. It sure got late! I think it was sometime after 2am when we left. By the time I got to P's house, I decided that I would call the boy and let him know we'd get there in the morning. 

Well Saturday, we slept in and the day was almost over by the time we got back to the country house. We had picked up some greek food and were going to play video games and then have a bonfire for the evening activies. After P wanted to do a Best Buy run, the boy came home with a new video game about zombies. Another late night despite knowing we were going to get up early to meet up with P's friend for the Pride parade. We started in the shade but as the morning went on, we were in the sun. So hot! I've kinda missed the parade for the last couple of years, you've seen one, you've seen them all. This was a little smaller than I remember them being...   We were at the begining of the parade, we had to walk for a number of blocks to get to where we were meeting P's friend. It was pretty packed by the time we got there. Because we usually run late and unprepared, we forgot our chairs (which was fine because there wasn't room anyway), P was sitting on the curb and at one point when she stood up, I realized she had sat in gum. YUCK! I though she had split the jeans because the gum was in the seam. It was very strange, thankfully she brought shorts which she quickly changed into. After the parade, we walked to the park(beat the parade to it) and sat on the benches in the shade watching the crowd come into the park. We saw all sorts, people of all ages, of all types in all sorts of configurations, couples wearing matching clothes, dogs of all breeds, drag queens, leather folks and etc. I wanted to find the booth I was volunteering at before my time so we got up and walked in, ran into B and J and visited with them for a bit, J and R showed up with their son (so cute!) and then found my booth with about 10 minutes to spare. P was too peopled out so she found some more shade under a tree while I did my time. R met up with some friends in the beer garden. 10 minutes past the end of my shift and I was ready to go. I'm enjoying crowds less and less, didn't even really want to walk around to see what I could see, who was there or any shopping.

Walk back to the car, get some food and bring R back home. P and I had some alone time which seems to come so rarely these days and then I left so she could sleep for a few minutes before she had to go to work. UGH for her. I'm ready to crash for my last week of work before we leave for vacation on Saturday morning.

As of this point, I'm probably coming home to no job. I didn't hear from the one place that I interviewed with the Friday before last who said they'd tell me by the next week so hopefully I'll hear something soon, and NOT a letter. I'm sure I'll post more about that soon. Now I need to go to bed!
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So I think that P might have fibromyalgia. My sister has it and because of all of her health issues, I'm begining to think she has is. She has the following issues and some more lately:

Really bad joint pain
excessive sleeping (think 12 hours a day)
sleep apnea
restless legs
jaw pain
brain fog
weight gain

I'd normally ask my sister what the next step on dealing with this but she is in Uganda for the next few weeks. Anyone know how you would handle this? I understand it can take up to 10 years and 10 different doctors to finally get a diagnosis, What would you do? Do you know any good doctors in Minnesota? She has been going to a chiropractor (applied kinesiology) and is scheduled to check out an accupuncturist this week. I think we should also look at it from a traditional medical point of view. 

She's concerned that I'm going to get tired of her medical issues and leave her. She claims (I know it's her fears talking and is really not reality) that all her other gf's left her because of this).

Any one know any good doctors or what type we should see?

THANKS in advance!
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I know that when I'm dealing with stress, I tend to isolate myself. The boy and I had a pretty decent conversation yesterday as I was driving home from work. He will be going camping with us (only because he couldn't find anywhere else to go). He did do enough work that I'm letting him go play DD with his friends and we'll pick him up on the way out of town.

I still want to vacation without him. I don't think that's too bad. His father really should be parenting him more anyways! I've essentially raised him for 10 years by myself (except for about 30-60 days a year when he was visiting his Dad). He hasn't ever takening him for more than a weekend except for a few extra days around Christmas.

P and I also dreamed that when he's independent, we could travel to various parts of the country and work for a couple of years in that location and than move to another one. She's got a job that is in demand and very specialized and I think I might be able to get a job in a location different than here. Hawaii might have jobs for us both! GRIN After that, maybe somewhere in northern AZ or the NW...we'll see, how fun to dream!

Camping this weekend will be fun. I'm looking forward to it. Although we'll have to leave to go watch P's son graduate. It's weird because his Dad won't be attending...'cause he has to work. I would think this would be something you'd want to celebrate.
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I was trying to focus to post about my weekend but I've been watching the news online about the shootings in VA Tech. My thoughts are with them during the horrid time.

Friday was pretty laid back, P was sick with the flu so we didn't do anything. I had hoped to go see catiecurtis.com and rachaelkilgour.com but it didn't happen. I was okay with that. I brought home some dinner for P and the boy. Played some video games and went to bed.

Saturday morning it took forever to get up and moving but we did have breakfast at the local diner, P was up and in the mood for IHOP but that would require hours of driving. I was up for it but she still wasn't completely feeling better. After nice breakfast, we went to the local home and garden show. I was hoping that the company I've considered using to install new furnance might be there (they were) and to see what else I might consider for my house. I did stop and get some information from a pest control guy about box elder bugs! See the pic from my front step!

Afterwards, we took a snooze, talked a lot of the phone to friends who were having trouble, had ice cream and pizza before we went dancing. That's what I LOVE about P, she might not be that excited about doing something (although, in this case, I think she was) or she might not be feeling that great (She wasn't) but her attitude is usually always very positive. I LOVE that about her. We picked up a friend of mine who had never been to this place (she loved it) and danced a few dances (it had been a while - can you say out of shape?).

I also got the lovely opportunity to speak with my local law enforcement on the drive home. Thankfully, I don't drink so I wasn't DWI-ing but apparently I was going 43 in a 30. She let me off with a warning, thanks very much officer!

Sunday we again, were not up for church but for some stupid reason woke up shortly after that. If he had really wanted to make it, we could have....but we didn't. Brunch at noon and we really were going to be closer to being on time...but were late. Great food, great friends and a new little puppy.

We swung by the Home and garden show, picked up some smoked bacon and beef jerky and some rug cleaner (P's a marketer's dream). Once we were home, P needed to sleep since she's on those graveyard hours. I went to check my email/blog and etc. She doesn't like it when I do that on the weekends so I usually save it for when she's busy. She couldn't sleep so we ended up running to the grocery store. She later got a 2 hour nap, I made dinner spaghetti and she left for work as I went to sleep.

Teh boy is driving me crazy, I've decided that we're going to go make an appointment to deal with his attitude. My EAP will pay 1-3 appointments in full and hopefully we'll have things straightened out by then. The person that handles these, happens to be a friend and neighbor of mine. I think that might be a conflict of interest, we'll see how that goes.
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P was getting her lasik eye surgery re-done so I was going to leave work and go spend some time with her and R. R seems to be quite the social butterfly which is very good. Unfortunately, when I went to my car, I realized I left the lights on AGAIN. Driving my little (but better gas milage) car is great except it isn't equipt to tell me when I leave my lights on. Bummer! By the time I was up and running again, it was pointless to drive all that way just to watch her sleep. Darn it.
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Okay, sorry I had to post like that because it wasn't formatting.

Friday P drove up in her new car, we had nice dinner, I showed her what I do when I teach (she gets a bit kick out out of that) and then we watched the Vagina Monologues.

Saturday we enjoyed our morning and I got to argue with the boy's father about a party the boy was invited to. He's almost 15 and was invited to a girl's birthday party and it was a sleepover! As it was the boy's father's weekend, I was going to let him deal with that but he was going to let him go. I'm not okay with my 14 year old son going to a coed slumber party. I question the parenting of a parent of a teenage girl who is okay with that. Of course since the boy's father was trying to figure out a way to say yes, the boy was very angry at me for saying no. What ended up happening, was I agreed to pick him up at 11:30 and as a result of that, another weekend went by when the boy didn't see his father. Why do I even try to get that to happen? He's been with his father for one weekend (defined by Saturday noon until Sunday 3pm) and the movie's once since the begining of the year! Yeah, the boy was mad at me too.

Saturday night we went to our monthly couple's night and that was good. Talking about love languages. What's yours? touch, words, time, service or gifts? I try to do all of it but I also wait until I'm inspired. We also returned the surround sound to Best Buy and picked up one that will actually work with the digital cable.

Sunday slept in and it was very nice. Up for coffee but it was a slow turn out...better for some of the folks that don't like crowds such as P. Good times, B and J are having some more trouble. It's tough and I hope they can figure a way to work through it. I hope if they are still together this fall they consider the retreat that P and I went on.

After coffee, P and I took a nap, actually I napped and snored which kept P awake. After an hour I got up and went and worked out unfortunately P never did fall asleep. It was the first time I worked out since getting sick. It felt pretty good. We then went to B and J's for dinner, wonderful ham, potatoes and veggies. We brought desert, yum. I enjoy having dinner with them and I know that B enjoys cooking for friends.

I got to get to work...fortunately for me I kept P awake later than she wanted to last night, unfortunately, that also resulted in less sleep for both of us. I'm sleepy...


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