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It's 7 years today and so hard to believe. As it's now past the time of the accident, I no longer have a single cell in my body that was part of who I was back then...then when I still had my Dad in my life. It's almost gut wrenching to think about that...no more physical connection to him, now it's only stuff and memories...

I do understand that I've also got him as a legacy in me and that will never go away. We found more home movies recently that have been transferred to DVD. It's so fun to watch, I think about how few I took of my own son. I wish I had more, more pictures and more memories but that's not really how it is for me. I'm probably being a little hard on myself about that.

I also went to the cabin this weekend with friends. It's so strange because whenever I'm there, I wonder why I'm not there more often. It's so beautiful and peaceful to be there. I know this year has been because I've been so busy trying to clear out my past life and open it up to whatever is next.

I think about the driver, I hope she is ok. I don't know how a person can live with that so I can't even imagine what she does with it.

I lit a candle for you at the restaurant, which is not a restaurant or a donut place anymore. It's empty and for rent. It's just so darn sad to me. Sat for a bit in the bit of sprinkles and then moved to the car, sang that song I always do...

Tonight, I'm just so tired. 
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Happy Birthday, Dad. You would have been 73 today. 
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Today we went to see "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" which was longer than I expected and because my son wanted to go....better than I anticipated. If you have three hours and are up for an epic type movie, go see it. I thought it was very good but it was also kinda sad for me, perhaps because I've been feeling sad lately.

P's still pretty sad and I'm letting her do whatever she needs to do...sleep, be angry or whatever. Also while we were here we went to the Indianapolis Museum of Art which was amazing because it was FREE. Parking was free, admission was free, coat check is free (but we didn't use it) and what I loved about it was the permanent collection not only included the information about the artist and the piece but they also talked about the style of the artist and what made them notable. The worst part was when we were walking in, we passed a group of people and I didn't see the rest of the people but the profile of the man looked just like my Dad. He was wearing a hat, full beard and glasses. It was something about the line of his beard and his neck. P noticed that he also had a camera and tripod(which would be so my Dad). He was definitely a younger version of my Dad but certainly just like I knew him. I could hardly speak as I tried to explain my reaction to P.

I also emailed with a girl who knew P's son. I've been monitoring his email in case anyone that knew him sent him emails that didn't know what happened. She was a girl who met him through craigslist last summer and they emailed and talked. She even came up to visit him from Iowa.  She spoke of having similar struggles with depression, anxiety and sexual orientation/gender and thoughts of suicide. She says that he touched her life and saved her from her attempt.

We'll be driving probably about 12 hours. I hope the weather will be good.
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I miss my Dad most of all when I need parenting advice. I don't know that I trust my mother's opinion. My sisters don't have children and therefore I don't know if they would help. The boy has it so easy and refuses to help around the house. When I try to push him to do it, he ends up having a tantrum and stalking off. This has to change.
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Friday night seemed like the anniversary because it was a Friday night that the accident occurred. Sunday was the "official" day that the accident happened, when we believed he was killed instantly. Today is the day that is on his death certificate. Tomorrow is the day that his heart stopped beating after his organs were harvested from his body.

It's been a tough weekend. We spent it at his half finished cabin in the peace of the prairie. We read some of his favorite poetry there and hung fresh prayer flags in the woods.  I also drove his truck home last night. It had been sitting in the very small single car garage of his partner's house. I don't think anyone could quite gather themselves to do anything about it yet. We needed to jump it, put air in the tires, put fuel stabilizer in it and keep it running long enough for the battery to re-charge. I ended up shutting it off at the gas station but needed to jump it again after filling the gas tank. 

I left it running as I parked by the cafe waiting for the employees to leave where he was run over. My sister and I talked and cried about him as we waited. We walked in their little garden area next to it, it was darker there, less conspicuous...I didn't really want to be seen in my grief. I had lit a candle, like last year and left it again. I don't want to take the candle, I always blow it out before I leave. Is it terrible to leave it there for someone else to stumble across the remains of my commemoration?

It was so weird to drive his truck. I went to work late today after getting the oil changed, I'm going to care for this truck like it's him, as if I could reach out to his soul through my care of his truck. I drove it to work today because it's suppose to be hot and it has working AC unlike his old honda that I have which gets better gas mileage. Now I want only drive the truck as a way of keeping him with me but I also want it to last forever. Decisions to make, what to do...

Last pic

Nov. 28th, 2007 01:50 pm
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Probably 3 weeks ago we went to my Dad's land to check on the cabin. Dad's partner packed a lunch and we just hung out. When he was alive, he hung up those tibetian prayer flags and took pictures. The flags really stood out in his picture last year after the leaves were off the trees. Just after his death, the flags were gone, we didn't want to think that someone had torn them down. When we were there a few weeks ago, we looked in the spot. They were hard to see because they were so bleached out. My sister said she was called to the spot where she found them. We had to re-hang the flags. I took a picture and I think it turned out really nice.

I think about my Dad every single day and I still miss him.

 
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It was two years ago that my sister donated her kidney to my Dad. He was doing so well, who knew that he would be killed by a truck. 
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 Today is my "late day" at work. This means I don't have to be there until lunch but I have to stay until 9pm.  I had all these thoughts of all that I could do but I was exhausted and didn't. P is still sick but I think she plans on going to work tonight. She's also going to be driving the paperwork (which I had to retrieve from my sister) to my Dad's partner as she will be going to the land to get notarized signatures from the other landowners so once I can legally act as my father's executor, we can get the electricity installed (hopefully before Nov 1 or we'll have to dig the trench ourselves).

I  also picked up my necklace from the jeweler. My Dad had given me a necklace when I was like 18 or so that has the tree of life or other similar looking tree. He liked it so much he got one too. I've pretty much worn it continously since then. When he died, I asked if I could have his. The chain that I wear with it needed a more heavy duty clasp so I dropped it off to have a lobster claw clasp put on instead. It's back and looks pretty good but weighs heavy with sadness on my heart now. I'm glad to have it but it brings back the reality of what happened.

I also had to call the well guy who will be installing the well soon. The paint guy to let him know what we've agreed upon for sealing the wood. My Dad was going to be doing it so now because we don't have the ability to do it, we're hiring it out. So far, all the folks that we've been working with have been very nice and understanding of the situation.

Now I'm going to run to move my car.
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Busy week with work, school is back in session. I'm going to be at the desk, doing instruction and filling in serials as needed (and as I can do). I've got to do a little more work before I go to a meeting this evening. I'd rather go straight home and cuddle and sleep. 

P got me a new phone.  I'm very excited. Except the webservice wasn't working so I'm patiently waiting for sprint to figure it out. She did this in anticipation of our 2 years coming up in about a month. I suppose I could say that I got her this in celebration. Really, I just saw it in the store and new she'd LOVE it.

This weekend was our couple's group but too many people were too busy. I would have enjoyed it but it's okay too. We'll probably go out to the land on Saturday with my Dad's partner. Perhaps we'll rake the recently leveled ground and pull out rocks before we spread some grass seed hoping for grass next spring.

Sunday I might make it to church, I've been missing it. I've also been missing a couple of elderly people who attended until he suffered from alzheimers, she has no sense of direction and nor can she leave him alone now. They've moved from an apartment to assisted living recently. So, I just called their and got put through...I'm talking to her now. Yippee!

I'll post for now.
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 Thank GOD it's Friday. P came home from work early this morning so we got some cuddling while she fell asleep and I tried to stay asleep until the alarm went off. It was so nice, I've been missing her.

Tonight, some of my friends will be coming over and then we'll go to a mexican restaurant. YUM Tomorrow morning the boy will be going with his father and P and I will have the whole day to ourselves. Sunday we're going to the fair and  Wait...I think I already posted this. Okay, next thought....

At the last family reunion which seems ages ago (it was really Aug 10-12) my dad spoke of a book that he recently read called "The Short Bus" which he had read and had gone to hear the author speak. It was about learning disabilities. My Dad has some pretty severe learning disabilities (was also left handed). They thought he was retarded when he was a kid, this affected his life a great deal. I knew that much but I didn't know how much it affected his life. He spoke of having nightmares monthly ever since he was a kid, I'm guessing that's somewhere around 60 years. Recently at a chiropractor (I think) appointment, he met with someone who was some kind of shaman from south africa (I think) who offered to do some healing kinds of things, the shaman said that he had all the tools he needed to finaly deal with this demon and they were in baskets all around him. He later had a dream where all of the problems he had always dreamed about were resolved. After that (granted it was only 6-8 weeks prior to his death) he never had a nightmare. Now, I'm a skeptical person but I also understand that I don't know everything in the world and if this worked for my Dad, then it did regardless of the how and why.  I'm so thankful that he had this brief moment of peace before his death. I'm currently reading the book, The Short Bus and while the only learning disability I feel I have is poor spelling(which I attribute to spellcheck!) and the ability to immediately identify my left and rights. I do have coping skills for determining my left and right, it just take a second longer than most.

I want to talk to my Dad's partner to hear more of this story and his experiences. I also understood that when he had his learning disabilities finally diagnosed, some things showed up obviously very deficient but other things he was a genius. I want to know what he was a genius at.

Driving home with my mother, I did get her to talk about how my parents first met and their life in the begining. That was very fun to hear. My mother has lots of issues about being an only child and being accepted. She did  also admit that she was a bit of a princess in her family because her parents couldn't have any more children. My Dad seemed to be in love with another woman growing up but my mom just kept hanging around and finally he started indirectly attaching himself to her. He also really wanted children. I wonder if he was really interested in her or more interested in getting married so he could start a family.

I also want to hear more stories from his best friend. I promised to email him more to continue to tell the stories about my mother. I'll send him a quick email to see if he's still interested.

Enough of this...I've got to get back to work.
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It was a pretty good weekend, we were going to try to go to the rodeo but the weather didn't cooperate. I think it still went on but we didn't want to sit on the bleachers in the rain. P got a migraine so she didn't come out until Saturday. She also really slept in once the migraine went away so I think it was Saturday afternoon when she got here. The boy had left with his father so we were alone, GRIN.

Speaking of the boy's father, I paid the entire dental bill for the boy and was submitting a copy of the bill to the boy's father. He was really upset because the bill showed an "estimate" of insurance coverage. He wanted a bill that shows the actual amount, because gawd forbid I actually be reimbursed for more that the amount! He owed me a whole $60.70 !!!  He even made me sign something that showed that I wouldn't handle it that way in the future. What I'm suppose to do is have the bill sent to him and pay him for my half. I'm not sure why he's got his undies in a bundle over this but whatever. He might be doing this so he show how much out of pocket expenses he has as a means of lowering child support. I don't know, it's weird.

Sunday we slept in late, it was probably good for P. We met up with my sis and the Dad and P(his partner) for a Dad's day picnic. I know how much he enjoys spending time with his daughters and seeing us interact together. Sis planned most of the picnic ('cause she's a little anal retentive like that) and I just brought some veggie's and dip and strawberries. I also had a couple of other things for him such as a CD of organ music which he likes and coconut almond dates (another thing he likes). P brought her frisbee and we all played after lunch and then took a walk. It was very pleasant and nice to be outside despite the strong wind. Dad told P that he was glad she came and I think that thrilled her. It made me pretty happy too. The lake we walked by is viewed as a fishing lake by most of the locals because it's usually pretty green  and this time it was no different. (there's another lake about 3 miles away that is spring fed that people swim at).  While we were at the fishing dock, there was a woman who rode up on her bike, locked it up by the dock where the sign says "No Swimming Allowed" and jumped it, we were all pretty grossed out by it because where she parked her bike were seriously 4 BIG dead fish all bloated or mostly bones left. Ick....

P and I were able to get to bed mostly early. I rode in with her to work so that I could take R to his appointment. He seems to have made it out okay. I enjoyed the time with him and I know that P would do the same for me if I needed it. I'm going to pick her up from work in about a hour. We're going to stop at Trader Joe's and then head home, I'm thinking an early bedtime will be good.

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I expect it's going to be quiet tonight. I'm slowly getting over my cold which makes me very happy. I was supposed to have my hot water heater and water softner replaced today but it didn't happen. I'm not sure why, I tried to call the guy that put it in and he didn't answer, nor did his voicemail kick in. I did drop a pretty penny on that, but I should really look at it as an investment in my house. It also got me to finally vacuum the stairs. Gawd, it was getting nasty.

Today was my last working Tuesday for a couple of weeks, next week is the surgery and the following Tuesday I'll be in Iowa with my sis.

Saturday I was suppose to go to see Dar Williams and Girlyman with my ex, T. Her and I broke up 1-29-2004, yep, more than a year and a half ago. When I told her that I was seeing someone recently, she had a hard time with it. Don't get me wrong, I feel bad that she's having a hard time with it but we haven't been a couple for quite some time. Now she's saying she doesn't want to go to the concert, which is okay as I know that I would be present with her but still have thoughts of P. Anyways, so T doesn't want to go and wanted to give me the tickets. I told her that I would want to pay for them and now she's saying to give her less than what she paid for them. This kinda frustrates me as I feel she can be pretty passive aggressive. I tried to explain to her once before about how she doesn't realize the power she does have but I think she just doesn't want to see it...then she couldn't be the victim of the situation. ARGH.. I don't want to hurt her because I do care about her but I'm in a very different place with regards to the situation than she is. Of course, this just reinforces why I don't want to be with her, we operate very differently.

The weekend can't come soon enough. I love having time with my sweetie. Although, we've got to do better at getting sleep! GRIN
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Surgery for my Dad and sis is in one week. I'm nervous about that, I'm taking the day off for it. I'll be helping take care of my sister as she recovers in Iowa. Of course, I've got to get over my cold otherwise it wouldn't be very good for either of them. Any suggestions for getting healthier other than vit c, cough drops, lots of fluid, sleep and echinacea. I've gone from stuffed up to coughing so I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Tonight should be cough syrup with codine for me and sleep. Although, I do have to get an absentee ballot for election night. I've also got to get some laundry done or A will be going to school in his underware!

Yesterday my son's 3-5th grade teacher came in. Apparently A had written her a letter for an assignment. I'm not sure exactly what he wrote to her but she said that it made her cry. She also said that he's "brilliant" and I said sure (along the lines of Garrison Kellior where all the kids are "above average") she insisted that she really thought that he was. Oh my...not sure to believe her, this coming from the woman who also thought he might have ADD.
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My Dad has been approved for a transplant. My sister is the best match at this point. The surgery is scheduled for Oct 31 or Nov 1. I'm going to be taking some time to care for my sister(probably my Dad too). I understand it's harder on the giver of the kidney than the one who's receiving it. As I'm not the one able to give the kidney, my sister will be, I want to show my appreciation to her by being there as she wants me to. She lives in IA. Perhaps because she's my "big" sister, I still look up to her but I just find this really an amazing gift. In no way am I ready to lose either of these very special people.
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It looks like my older sister is going to be the one to donate her kidney to my Dad. She's scheduled for a complete physical in a couple of weeks as part of the steps towards the eventual surgery. I don't know how to even express my gratitude to my sister about this. The challenges that I have with my family primarily focus on my other sister and my mom. I can easily say that I truly love, value and admire both my Dad and my older sister. I also know that I'm bordering on denial with regards to what's happening with my Dad's health and the small but real risks to my sister. In my mind, this will be a very simple procedure that will result in everything turning out just fine. I'm aware that I'm not even thinking of anything bad. 'cause it's just gonna turn out fine !


Today I only work 1 job and that's not until later this afternoon, I'm off to help J with her computer stuff. I've got other errands to do and more catch up to do. I hope I get everything done on my list.
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Stayed up talking on the phone last night...window open smelling the wonderful rain. I love sleeping with my window open. A almost over slept, I think the couple of days he's stayed up are starting to catch up with him. "But, Mom, I don't feel tired!" Had his father not called, he would have missed the bus for the THIRD day in a row!!! As the poor boy will be doing dinner on his own, I cooked up some spagehtti, broccoli and garlic cheese bread for him(and to pack for my lunch).

Tomorrow I finally get the necklace that my Dad gave me back from the jewelers, as I normally always wear it. He gave it to me in my early 20's(?) the links had started to wear away...I was afraid it would finally break and I'd lose it. It's really wonderful and not just 'cause my Dad gave it to me, he liked it so much, he bought one for himself too.

Even though it's kinda foggy out my window, I'd love to go take a walk in the woods. I don't want to drive fast cause I'm usually pushing the time...to go to work all day.
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I've been thinking more about some of my conversation with my Dad on Friday. How we are a like...and not a like. He was telling me about how when my Uncle E was up visiting. (Side note: Uncle E is my Dad's childhood friend, they met while they were YMCA camp counselors when they were in college). Apparently they were sitting outside, possibly in the grass eating their lunch. Uncle E was a little suprised that my Dad was out there with him like that in public. Uncle E is gay and apparently had formally was with a man who based on my guess was pretty homophobic. Now, I'm hoping it's a generational thing and us queer folk are less fearful of being in public with someone of the same gender, but who knows. Uncle E is also black, maybe that might have something to do with it. That he was especially afraid of some homophobic racist person to ID them and give them trouble. My Dad didn't care about who saw or what they thought. His point in telling me this was just that, acknowledging he is a man who is in touch with his femminine side and not afraid of what people think.

So I thought this was cool, I also think that Uncle E and my Dad are similar in that they don't realize that people love them as much as they do. Uncle E has touched all of me and my siblings including my son.

I (for the most part) also don't care what people think. I don't worry about buying the latest fashions but I do want to match, I don't need expensive jewelry (my ex used to give me jewelry as a gift, I actually like the more practical stuff...or else give me gift certs for books and music !) I march to the beat of a different drummer so I mostly (yeah, sometimes my little ego gets in the way) don't care what people think.

This above post was brought to you in honor of my Dad's procedure he'll have today. Bone marrow biopsy, which I understand hurts like h#ll !

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